Do you ever have those moments when you become fully cognizant of a fear that is programmed so deeply in your subconscious, that you were always vaguely aware of, but never realized the full ramifications of? Its like such a resounding moment of AHA! that you actually feel every nuanced, intricate molecule of your mind being blown. Im always astounded by the experience of the depth of these moments. No matter how many times I go through it, it never fails to casually scintillate my being with its effervescence. I just wandered into my fear of being ridiculed and how ingrained it is within me- how it has coloured so many areas of my life for so long- my motivation, my drive, confidence and the ways in which I use them as tools towards what I want to create for myself, and to express myself. Its kinda held me back from fully being authentic and present in SO many instances of my life and had me sabotaging myself over and over again. Its also part of the core foundation of my fear of public speaking (something that I have consciously worked on and gotten better at , but still sends my heart hammering and stuttering-not as hardcore as before but still there- at the very thought of). Sometimes its been more vivid than other times and its hold has definitely weakened in the past few years, but its still there. Ive built up defenses and guards solely catered to it, thanks to my egos perseverance to protecting me (I dont mean to be sarcastic here- ego isnt the enemy, it is trying to protect me, it IS a part of me-its just that time comes that this protection is no longer needed and in fact is counter-productive). When I dismantle this egoic guard, there is raw resource there for me to put to creative use. Energy that I have held back, energy that I have invested in defending myself because I didnt trust myself to be able to deal with that ridicule. I am able to do this because I trust myself. Even if I do face a situation where I end up looking like a fool I know Ive worked my way towards what I need to be able to come across situations where I may be ridiculed, and if I am, thats okay, because anothers opinion/experience of me does not define me or my own experience. If I experience shame and awkwardness as a result, thats okay too- I have a very loving, kind partner/best friend to help me through it- me! The discovery is kind of thrilling; a fast paced high- another jigsaw piece to fit into the fragments of my consciousness that I have been drawing together for the past few years. When I was a child, one of my three aspirations was to be a private detective (the other two were writer, and psychologist). Ideally, inspired by Nancy Drew, Enid Blyton and Agatha Christie novels, I wanted to visit haunted places and solve mysteries there. I feel like exploring the haunted dimensions of consciousness has really expounded that dream for me. Self-awareness is transformational. It doesnt end at the discovery- I know there is more work to be done here- a lot of it just in being present and fully accountable and open to what arises as this unfolds further and then creating habits and behaviours that match the inner transformation. Right now, I am fully present to a sudden clarity that has burst into vibrant flavour, exciting my tastebuds. Its a pretty cool experience :D.
Posted on: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 20:00:58 +0000
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