Do you recall a time when you were around someone who had a way of making you feel worse about yourself than before you began interacting with them? Have you ever responded to someone in a manner that left you shaking your head and asking yourself, “Why did I do that?” Has there ever been a time you felt run over by someone expressing objections, causing you to feel out of control during a sales presentation, or while you were dealing with a customer service issue? How many times have you lost your composure with your child to the point he wound up successfully negotiating extended Xbox time before bed? We have all been in situations like this and it is normal to have them happen from time to time in just about any environment or relationship. However, it is possible to gain control over these circumstances in a logical and simple way by discovering two things you must remember to do, and two things you must understand. In this article you are going to learn 4 simple keys to connect more effectively with people. I have utilized and coached these 4 keys for over 25 years in various sales professions with the primary purpose to overcome objections during the sales process. All things being equal people prefer to do business with individuals they know, like, and trust. Most people have heard this or know it intuitively…it’s no different in any relationship. People want to work with, live with, and be cared for by people they know, like, and trust. When you confront yourself with hard questions about your effectiveness in dealing with people and do the mirror management exercise, your goal is to be able to say “yes” when looking at yourself from someone else’s viewpoint. These questions are simple to ask, although their revelation may not be easy to absorb. Here are a few questions you should be asking: •Would I want me as an employee? •Would I want me as a boss? •Would I want me as a spouse? •Would I want me as a parent? As I stated previously, there are two things you must do and two things you must understand. When combined and repeatedly put into practice, they make a powerful combination. As you begin to focus on these 4 key points, do so with the idea that they form a complete concept. Do not see them as steps; there isn’t enough room between them to account for life’s varying relational issues. When you view and use all 4 key points as a concept you will be able to respond instead of react – ultimately becoming more effective for the good of all involved. Responding is being able to play offense by maintaining control of the process. Reacting is about playing defense – this typically happens when individuals feel trapped and or confused – out of control. Another way to explain this is by comparing it to your body either responding positively to medication or having a negative reaction. Key Point 1 - Something You Do Always work to maintain or increase someone’s self-esteem. An individual’s self-esteem is how they feel about their self – who they are, their skills, values, shortcomings, ideas and potential. Human nature typically draws us toward people that make us feel better about how we feel about who we are. When someone maintains or increases your self-esteem a positive inner dialog is opened, the one that uses mostly left brain rhetoric in evaluating, relating and categorizing your right brain emotional interactions. On the contrary, when your self-esteem is negatively impacted, you begin to defend your emotional integrity. If this person is someone you respect or have an emotional investment in, there is a good chance your inner dialog will be listing all the reasons you’re never going to make it, you aren’t good enough, you can’t lose the weight or some other limiting belief. If you want to lead people effectively, you must draw them toward their better self. This one factor makes a huge difference between an effective leader – one who communicates with the ability to offer corrective advise and direction that is easier to receive vs. one who dictates his way through an organization. If you want to effectively lead people, motivate, and potentially offer positive correction, it isn’t about giving them what they want…it’s about creating a positive relational frame where disagreement doesnt equate to a lack of compliance, leading to a lack of performance. No one should be given the ability to negatively impact your self-esteem. A great way to take control of this initially is through awareness of what’s happening – what’s affecting or sometimes infecting your inner dialog. Secondly, make sure you are not negatively impacting someone else’s self-esteem. This is the premise for the common quote, “hurting people hurt”. Key Point 2 - Something You Understand People typically operate from their perception of the truth, not the truth. Based on my personal experience, as well as coaching others to work more effectively with people, the lack of understanding this one key point could be responsible for more negative issues within human relations than any other factor. That statement may sound very broad and sweeping, nonetheless, it is very real…people operate based on their perceptions. How many times have you made a judgment that led to an action based on something you thought someone said or did? After gaining the proper perspective you realized the action you are now sorry for was a classic case of overreaction. Understanding this you can expect to no longer see objections as rejections. This also eliminates much of the defensive desire that drives most reactions. Once you understand that many objections and confrontations are based on myths or misunderstandings, you learn that your job is simply to move through the objections, not attack them. Additionally, you should find it easier to give others the benefit of the doubt in most instances. As you begin to think forward to what one’s perceptions may be, you will develop the ability to forecast potential future objections. This allows you the opportunity to get in front of an oncoming confrontation and head it off at Misunderstanding Pass. Those in sales know this as: handling the objection before it shows up. There is no reason this skill can’t be developed in all relationships. We should always strive to communicate clearly without assumptions. Understanding that people address most life issues through perceptions vs. facts will assist you in defining your message and increasing your ability to connect more effectively. Key Point - 3 Something You Do Maintain a positive and effective attitude. Do not think I am stating the obvious - if it were so obvious, your attitude would not be one of the most widely discussed topics in life. Billions have been spent, and a google (you know - the number with the 100 zeros) of parental threats made all in an attempt to eliminate a bad attitude. Here is the thing about your attitude, and where confusion comes from…most of the time when you start to work on your attitude or read something about attitude - either a meaningful quote or an entire book - you do so with the purpose of getting a better result. The fact that we all know someone who gets results yet has a horrible attitude can be a little confusing as well as frustrating. It seems they never even think about improving their attitude, and yet produce successfully. These individuals have the ability to produce because they engage, take action and are continually doing so regardless of how they feel not because they have good attitudes. As a matter of fact, I have seen people with a negative attitude produce simply because of a particular embedded negative drive. An example of this is an individual proving someone elses assessment wrong out of spite or anger. So why go to all the trouble of developing a positive attitude? It’s because it takes a positive attitude to experience real growth -- personal growth, relational growth or organizational growth. When you are dealing with people for the benefit of both parties, there must be the potential for relational growth. This is true in the sales process, as much as it is in the organizational and family structure. The way I recommend you use your attitude (which will be non-threatening to anyone who really doesnt want to change a negative attitude) is to see your attitude as a tool. Most people tend to associate attitude with emotion. It is not an emotion - it is a tool. Your goal is to use it as effectively as possible. Ask yourself if this tool is paying me to use it, or is it costing me? Am I a master of my tool, or am I being mastered by it? If relating it to a tool is a bit too stressful or awkward, try seeing your attitude as a golf club. Now ask the same question, “Am I using my club effectively…is my use of the club adding strokes or taking them away?” Key Point 4. - Something You Understand You have a responsibility in the relationship and need to accept it. You need to be prepared to take responsibility for your intentions and the outcome of those intentions. A more classic, old school way this has been expressed is by saying you need to have someone’s best interests at heart. What are your true intentions, and would the person you are connecting with still be willing to engage with you if he or she knew them? It is very difficult to connect effectively when people are not open to moving toward a common point that has value for all parties. One person may want to go faster than the other, which is a matter of timing, not so much destination. This shouldn’t cause relational disaster but it could be the reason for limited or lost benefits. There is a popular quote regarding leadership: “If you want to lead others you must first learn to lead yourself This statement speaks to personal responsibility being a core part of any leadership. We all should lead in at least this capacity, we do ourselves and the people around us a great disservice by refusing to accept the responsibility. Conclusion Your goal should not be to control people; it should be to maintain control of the process of connecting. The empowering aspect of process thinking is the benefit of perspective – you are able to identify where you are in the process. These 4 key points will lay an effective foundation for connecting with people and moving the relationship process forward. They are fundamental to negotiations, the sales process and positive, long-term customer relations. If you have children, learning to implement the 4 key points will improve those relationships, too. However, I can’t guarantee it will eliminate the need to negotiate Xbox time.
Posted on: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 19:21:03 +0000