Does your child “check in” For children to learn from you they have to be able to reference you for information; what to do, how to do, and when to do! To follow your guidance, learn by watching and copying you, and to monitor and assess how well they are doing, the child needs to continually reference you for information. The majority of early learning comes from “social learning”; learning by observing and following the lead of those more experienced than ourselves. Most learning occurs through interacting with others. Whether we are simply watching others, or engaged in ongoing interaction, most learning comes through our relating with others. Socially, we also need to reference others to stay connected during interaction. We need to continually “check in” with them to read their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, see if they are understanding us, and to stay coordinated with them. Without social referencing we would never be able to co-regulate interaction very well. We would each be following our own path, without referencing the needs of the other. There are different types of social referencing. We reference others to share pleasurable moments, understand their perspective, make sure we are safe, for information (what, when and how to do something), to stay coordinated together, and to assess how well we are doing. For example, if a parent is taking a child into a new social situation, the child may first look up at the parent to make sure it is safe to enter. The parent doesn’t have to say anything, the child can read it. Once they are assured they are safe, than they will reference the parent again for information on what to do. While doing it, the child will also “check in” for feedback that they are doing it right, and for information on what to do next. The child will also reference the parent to share their emotional reactions with them, and to see if the parent is experiencing the same thing. Through this continual referencing the child learns how to tackle new situations and become more competent. Although this social referencing is natural for most children, it is difficult for children on the spectrum. They often do not recognize that the other person has value to them, or that others have thoughts, feelings, and perspectives that differ from theirs. That the other person has information that is valuable to them, that they can learn and “do better” by referencing those around them. Consequently, they don’t learn to “share” their experiences with others, to share their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives with others. How is your child’s referencing abilities? Does your child “check in” with you frequently during interaction and activity? Does your child continually reference back and forth between the activity and you to (1) make sure it is safe, (2) find out what to do, and how to do, (3) to stay connected with you, (4) for feedback on how he is doing, (5) to share the emotional experience with you and (6) to stay coordinated with you in the back and forth interaction? During new situations will your child reference you to pace themselves, to stay regulated, or do they simply jump in and “do”, with little regard to appraising what is needed, and how to do it? Do they look to you for information, guidance, and ongoing feedback of how they are doing. Do they reference you to see if you are enjoying yourself, and if they are staying engaged (connected) with you? Don’t feel bad if they are not? This deficit is common across the spectrum. It simply does not come natural for them. You have to make it an objective and “teach” it. Some suggestions that may help: 1. Engage in frequent “we-do” activity, where you share and take turns, help each other out, and coordinate actions together. These can be any daily activity from playing catch, playing with a toy, doing laundry together, shopping, anything where the two of you are “doing it together.” 2. Position yourself so that your face is easy to reference; face to face and eye level. I usually try and position myself at a 45 degree angle so the child can easily view both the activity and my face. 3. Try to use more nonverbal communication (animated facial expressions, exaggerated gestures, excited vocal noises) and less words to guide and share emotion. The less you say, the more they have to reference your face for information. Use words not to prompt and direct, but share your thoughts, feelings, and perspective. 4. Slow down and ensure that your child “check ins” with you frequently for clues on what to do, when it is their turn, to share emotion with you, and to stay coordinated with you. 5. Teach the child to check in with you before taking his turn, and once he completes his turn (before you take your turn). Frequently use shaking your head yes to signify it is his (or your) turn, and “no” if it isn’t. Also use this time to share emotional reactions. If the child impulsively moves on without referencing you, pause and stop the action to cue the child back to reference. 6. Create moments of uncertainty by leaving out information, or creating simple barriers, or breakdowns, in the interaction, so your child has to reference you to “find out” what to do, or repair the breakdown. 7. I find that by positioning myself within the child field of vision, using animated facial expressions, excited vocalizations, and celebrating (give fives, thumbs up, etc.), the child is eager to reference me. When emotion sharing is attractive, it is motivating to reference. Each child is different, but that frequently works for me. The secret here is you do not what the child referencing out of “compliance”, but because it is has value to him. Once you frame referencing (how you position yourself, and structure the activity), and make it rewarding to do so (emotion sharing,) referencing will start to become natural. The greater referencing abilities they have the greater potential for learning and for relating!
Posted on: Sun, 16 Jun 2013 19:33:54 +0000
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