During my hard-core anorexic phase, I would easily and happily starve myself for days at a time. I liked how much it hurt, and the fist of hunger that pushed into my guts all the way through to my back was comforting. It was repentant, and deserved, and absolving. I wasnt an acting anorexic all the time, just in phases. Id starve until I felt okay with myself, then Id start eating bits of food. Eventually Id swing toward Mias side of the fence. Id start packing on weight, and Ana would start screaming for more attention. Back and forth, over and over. In between, though. During the in-between times, in the grey area between the two angry disorders, I was almost normal. One time when I was normal (and that statement makes me laugh because now I know better, and I know Ive never REALLY been normal), when I was at a point of balance with food and my body, I watched an episode of CSI that tipped me off the rails. The story was about two sisters that modeled, and how they starved and picked and perfected themselves, one to death, the other to insanity. As I watched that show, as I watched how one sister weighed her purge to make sure she lost enough weight, how she picked her face until she looked like an animal chewed on her, I probably should have felt pity. Or disgust, or conviction. I didnt. I felt jealous. After watching that show, what would have otherwise been a slow journey from a place of balance back to Ana, took one hour. ONE. Within one hour I was back to starving, and that time it lasted for four days. Looking back on it, that experience taught me something. For the longest time, I thought *I* was the problem. The truth is, when you struggle with disordered eating, when you feel like whats wrong with me, why cant I lose weight, why is my body so gross, why cant I control my eating, what you struggle with has nothing to do with those things at all. Its not about your body. Its not about your habits, your will power, your resolve, or your intelligence. It is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT about the stuff between your ears, your self-worth, the value you put on everything ELSE, and what you fail to value at all. Things like your heart. Instead of beating yourself up for the behaviors youve chosen, instead of hating yourself for not taking care of your body better, or for gaining six pounds, or because those skinny jeans are never going to fit, understand that your problem is mental. Not physical. Your problem is one of perspective, not of size. Not of habit. Your problem is what you dont understand, not what you fail to be. Your problem is that you dont realize how amazing you are, and that anything as amazing as you should be cherished and treasured. Not drug through the mud. Not picked apart, not starved, not hated. Once you figure that out, the rest will all fall into place. And SERIOUSLY. If *I* can figure this out, you can too.
Posted on: Fri, 09 Jan 2015 21:37:45 +0000
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