ENOUGH! Sometimes you can do your very best and it is never enough. Sometimes your actions,words......although you are attempting to do good.....makes people sad,angry or disappointed in you. Sometimes we make every day of our lives about everyone else but never about ourselves. Sometimes we are trying to change up ourselves in many ways just so we are enough for others. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard you try......no one will every be enough for everyone. However, I still have yet to find love for myself. To love myself as I am. To stop being upset at myself for all of those things that I have failed at, the things that I have yet to do, the things I still have yet to not let bother me from the past and current time. Until I become enough for anyone I need to learn to be enough for myself. Sometimes I feel like I am too much to handle to everyone but I have come to the conclusion that I am too much for my own self. I drive myself crazy thinking of everything there is to think of. Many thoughts are thoughts that I wish would leave me so that I can be at peace.Many thoughts keep me up at night. Many thoughts pop in my life in the worst of times and make my thoughts become very much so.....evil. I accept EVERYONE as they are but for some reason hate most things there is about myself. I look in the mirror and do not like what I see. I look down at my stomach and hate the amount of weight that I packed on.I hate my brain because it seems to turn everything good to bad and make my good days go so wrong. There are times I just feel like giving up on EVERYTHING because of having to live my life in this body knowing that there is very little chance that I will ever be able to afford the gender reassignment operation and because of the fact that is many years from now. Yes, I know people look me in the eyes all the time and tell me that I need to learn to love myself as I am. Truth is.....I try all of the time to find something about myself that I like but I just do not like myself at all. I know that I may be enough for some but to myself I feel like too much or too little. I seem to take everything to the heart. When I fail something I feel like it is my fault because I could have done better but didnt. I feel like I need change in my life in order to live life to the fullest. I just have to find enough patience in myself and with myself to push on because giving up is all I have ever done and it lead me to where I am now. So it is time for me to stop quitting everything just because times get hard. It is time to look myself in the mirror and find at least one thing that I like. This is going to take a lot of patience and work from me and with me for me to do this. I am tired of never being enough.
Posted on: Tue, 13 Jan 2015 20:41:12 +0000