Eleven years ago this weekend, my stepdaughter Jessica Lynn was spending the night at her friend Ariel’s house in Port Sheldon, Michigan. They went to Blockbuster video earlier in the evening on Saturday night and rented scary movies. She was 12 years old that year and always dressed in black grunge that I sincerely hoped was just a phase. She and I used to call each other every night that American Idol was playing (it was the Clay Aiken season) and watch it together on the phone. She loved her baby sister, Katy and would play tea party and karaoke with her for hours. Jess was supposed to come home on Saturday to make Christmas cookies, but asked if she could spend one more night and make cookies on Sunday. We said yes. That night, Jessica, Ariel and Ariel’s sister Samantha all died in a house fire at around 3:20 am. In hindsight, one of the remarkable things about this story is with whom I was making Christmas cookies that day and this article reminded me of it. That day I was making Christmas cookies with Jessica’s mother, Laura and my then 2-year-old daughter, Katy. Jess’s dad and step-dad stopped in later that evening and we all drank wine and ate dinner together. From the time I started dating Jess’s dad when Jess was only 3 years old, Laura accepted me with open arms. We became such close friends over the years that we celebrated every one of Jess’s birthdays together with all four families (mom’s, dad’s, stepmom’s and stepdad’s). To this day, my daughter, still call’s her “Auntie Laura.” The day we learned of the fire, Laura, Dominic, Gary and I sat together in one big embrace and cried for what seemed like hours. When I was crying so hard that I could not finish Jess’s eulogy, Laura walked to me, put her arms around me and gave me the strength to finish. People who met us or heard about our friendship could not believe it. I do not take credit for any of it because I was far too immature and selfish to have pulled it off back then. Laura is the one who made it possible because rather than giving me any reason to feel awkward, she accepted me with open arms and fiercely fostered a healthy relationship between her daughter and me. Rather than allowing any bad feelings between her and her ex-husband get in the way, she just made sure her daughter experienced as much love as there was available to experience. When I struggled to figure out how I fit into a blended family, Laura stepped up and made sure I knew that she valued me and respected me. She loved me unconditionally and accepted me even when I did not accept myself and more importantly, when I made mistakes. The roles of mom and stepmom, while important, never defined our relationship with each other. We were just people doing the best we could and helping each other out along the way. My heart explodes with love when I think of what we were able to provide for Jessica during her short time here. Laura did not just give me a gift, she gave her daughter the greatest gift any divorced mother could give her child. She put her child first and made it ok for her to love us. I wish every child of divorce could have what Jess had and I wish every mother had the strength, love and unselfishness that Laura had. Jess, who is no doubt laughing at me from Heaven because Katy is now continuing her grunge legacy, often complained that it sucked that her parents were all friends since she could never get away with anything. In reality, though, she knew how blessed she was. I am so thankful to this author for posting this letter. I am thankful to Laura for giving me the gift of being Jessica’s stepmom. I am also thankful for Katy’s stepmom, Maria, for loving Katy like her own daughter and for not judging me as I continue to do the best I can as I muddle through my own parenting experience. Ive got your back. Thanks for having mine. And finally I send unconditional love, acceptance and a big high five to every mom and stepmom out there… we all deserve it.
Posted on: Sat, 13 Dec 2014 02:14:02 +0000
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