Ellas ED Story (shared with permission) What I Wish Id Been Told What do I wish people had known about my anorexia before it became anorexia? I am asked this question often, either by well-meaning health professionals or by anxious parents who are worried they will miss the signs of an eating disorder in their child. So I will tell you what I wish people had seen 10, 11, 12, 13, even 20 years ago. These warning signs, if appropriately picked up, may well have prevented me from 13 years of torment in its various eating disordered forms. Retrospectively they are so obvious, but at the time they were so unclear to everyone around me. There are no guarantees that anything I write will help, but I will tell you what I wish people had done or said and what I think might have helped in the hopes that it will help you. The first thing on my wish list is that someone could have seen how highly strung I was, from an early age. Even as a child, I constantly had the numbers 1-5 running through my head. If people asked me why maths was so hard instead of yelling at me, they might have found out that I didnt just see the numbers on the page, I heard them in my head too, and they were so loud that introducing sums on top of my counting was overwhelming. I wish, when I was 13 that, instead of my mother telling me that we definitely need to do something about your weight if they fit when I picked up a pair of pants three sizes too big, shed opened a dialogue about why my body image was so disproportionate to my actual size. I wish, instead of being relieved they didnt fit, she hadve told me that it would have been ok if they had fit, and that the size on the pants wasnt an indication of my worth as a person. I wish that my fear of becoming that particular size and wanting to get as far away from it as possible hadnt been instilled in me that very moment. I wish that instead of junk food (loosely termed here) being seen as something to be earned or burned off, food had been taught as everyday food and sometimes food, or that my appetite had been allowed to regulate itself, without my sense of control grabbing onto what I put into my mouth. This was, in part, fuelled by the teenage magazines of the day; Dolly and Girlfriend which would tell me to drink more water one month, less the next and to always be cautious of the food court. Religiously I would eat up these messages, hungry for guidance on how to manage myself and like the slightly rebellious friend who doesnt quite give the right advice and leads you a little off the rails, they got me in a lot of trouble. I ate up the messages they promoted. I wish someone had been there to guide my parents when I developed this new age disorder called EDNOS (now OSFED), later bulimia and eventually coming to rest at atypical anorexia nervosa. I wish they had the courage to ask for help in a disease that was bot too big and rapidly becoming too small for them to manage. People do strange things when they are scared and my parents are no exception. They are not cruel. They are human. I wish that, instead of smiling, forcing a laugh and moving on, my year 8 teacher had paused for just a little longer when my best friend in year 8 loudly announced You didnt eat that at all! This food diary is a lie! You barely eat anything! in biology. I wish someone had addressed the undeniable smell of ketones that lingered on my breath. I wish that I had used my voice, instead of my body to show that I was anxious, depressed, scared and hurting. I wish I was told that it was going to be ok and I was going to get through, on the days that I thought I wouldnt live to see 18 or 21 or 25. I remember when I was five years old and standing in front of the mirror cleaning my teeth. Id just eaten icecream while my parents were watching the news. On the news there had been a lot of car accidents, and bushfires. I brushed and brushed and brushed until I spat out blood and kept brushing. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. One for mum, dad, my baby brother, my teacher and once for my group of friends. Brush, brush, brush, brush, brush. My mum asked me what I was doing. I couldnt answer her because my mouth was full of toothpaste and because I was too busy brushing, brushing, brushing, brushing, brushing. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Maybe I caused those car accidents, my reflection seemed to stare straight into me. Maybe I caused those car accidents, my reflection told me. Maybe the bushfire will come near my house. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Maybe everyone will die and it will be my fault because I didnt brush my teeth five times enough? My mum eventually turned the tap off and sent me to bed and I went to bed crying, because it didnt feel like five times anything would have fixed how I was feeling. Little would I know that two decades later I would find myself in treatment centres with tens of other little girls just like me, from all walks of life. I have been in treatment with more nurses, doctors, medical students, childcare workers, dentists and physiotherapists than I can count. I have been in treatment with the very wealthy through to people barely surviving on Australias poverty line. Mostly, I have been in treatment with the Offspring of Australias hardworking families, who are struggling with such a mammoth illness which has sat down at their dining table and refused to leave. More than anything, I wish I was told that what I had was an illness and it was treatable. I wish I had been told that there was no need for me to suffer in silence. On Sunday Ill be home from treatment, after spending 124 consecutive days in hospital. Its nearly two years since I first came to Geelong and started my real treatment. Regardless of what happens once I get home, I know that recovery is possible. I feel far more stable, healthy and happy than I have in the last ten years and for that I am eternally grateful. PS: I met Ella in 2011 and was amazed by a bright, articulate, bubbly and engaging young woman. She was so open and honest about her struggles with ED. But most of all I was struck by her compassion, generosity and desire to prevent this experience for others. In the time since I have witnessed her tenacity in fighting not just for herself but others. I am so grateful that she continues to share to her story and to reach out with the desire to make a difference. If you or someone you know may have or at risk of an ED please seek professional help or referral from your GP
Posted on: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 11:07:17 +0000
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