Emotionally, I feel like I am being bent close to breaking. So, when we got to the hospital, Ellas temp was down, but it had been going up and down all day. The decision was made that we should go to the ER after it went up in the afternoon. That was a tiny poke at my heart because I didnt want to expose Ella to all the germs of an ER, but if she really had a fever she needed to go and she could get fluids since she had been vomiting. I take her temp countless times with many thermometers before heading out. We even bought an old style one you have to shake. It read 100.5 before we left. She was in the 99s when we got to the hospital. I accept that this happened because she would get fluids and IV antibiotics anyway. I am still glad we went. Everything on her looks good and her ANC was up. This can be good or bad. We want a higher ANC because then she has more neutrophils to fight infection, but sometimes if it jumps that means she is fighting something. It is hard to believe they went up naturally to the highest they have been in this phase especially after her highest dose of escalating methotrexate on Tuesday. But there is no way to know. If they come back down, I guess it shows it was only only a rise to fight an infection. The second little jab at my heart was that the doctor at U of M said she was in maintenance to the physician here. Ella is not in maintenance. She is in Interim Maintenance II. Her next phase will be maintenance starting Dec 18th if she makes counts. It really shouldnt bother me, but it does because I feel like he would take it more seriously if she was still in this phase. Really is doesnt matter because she is covered by the antibiotic for 24 hours, so I can talk to her regular doctor tomorrow. The rips in my heart happen every time I see Ella vomit or in pain or scared. She got sick three times at the hospital. Thankfully she was asleep most of the time. The last time she got sick she was sad to see one of her anti-nausea meds come back out. She told me she wished she didnt have cancer and wanted to know why God gave her cancer. The discussion that followed could fill a whole post. I know God has a plan for all of us going through this with Ella. Basically we have to trust God just as Joseph had to go through so much being sold into slavery, but ultimately all that led to good and him saving many people (including his family) because he had prepared for the famine. Yes, I trust God, but my heart is not perfect, and it hurts to have my four year old go through this and to ask why. It would hurt if any of my girls went through this. At any age! After this we found out we could go and her temp was back to normal, so I felt better knowing Ella wouldnt have to go through anything else soon. She perked up at the thought of going home too! We were happy to get home. She got in the bath and fell asleep. I thought my only concern was the vomiting. A little while after she was asleep she felt warm, so I checked her temp and it was 100.5. My first thought was that it might be faulty because she was ok at the hospital, but I couldnt deny her being warm to the touch. My own temp was 99.5, so I know the thermometer is accurate. She has since gone back down to 99.6. How am I going to tell her she has to go back to the hospital it it goes up tomorrow? She didnt want to be there today. She did everything her nurses asked, and she is well taken care of, but it makes her sad. She has been patient with everything she has had to endure for over ten months. It is getting to her and it is getting to me. I just want things to get easier, even if just for a little while.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Dec 2014 00:30:55 +0000
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