Ever since Pat died I’ve been having a recurring dream. It started off about 2-3 times a month. But lately it has been 3-4 times a week. The location and people involved are always different and quite bazar but the theme is always the same. I am desperately searching for Pat. She is illusive. Just out of my reach. She keeps running from me. I am trying to catch her to tell her how much I love her because I feel she doesn’t love me anymore and wants to leave me. It is very frustrating and I awake feeling lost, lonely and miserable. I so desperately want to hold her and not let her leave me. Now I’m not stupid. I know it is just a dream. I also know it is my subconscious not accepting her death and trying to get her back. But it wears me out. I hate the dream. She doesn’t love me anymore and wants to get away from me. I can’t tell you how much that thought, no matter how silly and unjustified, torments my spirit. Every time the dream happens I tell her and God just how much I don’t like it and how much I would appreciate some intervention into my nighttime sleep activities. Well last night the dream occurred again. There she was, in the background, just out of my reach. The feeling was back: she no longer loves me and wants to leave me. My heart was breaking as it does in every dream. Why would she do this to me. Then out of nowhere she was on a stage with her younger brother, Butch. He was playing a saxophone entertaining a crowd and Pat was dancing and I mean dancing. She had one of those veils that an old time eastern dancer would use to cover half her face. Every now and then she would drop the veil and smile. Now if you know Butch and/or Pat you know how ridiculous that picture is. Butch can’t play a sax and Pat wouldn’t dance in front of anybody, much less like a hoochy coochy girl. But there she was, dancing and having a big old time. And then, BAM. Out of nowhere Pat and I were at church. We were there to pray. She was beside me. That has never happened before. But she had on one of those cones like you put on a dog when they’ve had an operation. Hers was black and big. So big that while she was next to me I still couldn’t touch her because of that darn cone on her neck. (Did I tell you how absolutely bazar my dreams can be?) Pat was still not acknowledging me. I still felt she was going to leave because she no longer loved me. Then she took off the cone and placed it upside down on the floor and said to me “now we can pray”. But just then someone came in and said Pat would need to go somewhere else to pray for her family and I’d have to stay here. My heart was breaking again. So close and she is about to leave. But this time she didn’t leave. She took my hand and said “I can pray here just as good as there”. We bowed together to pray. I turned my head to tell her how much I loved her but before I could utter a word she said “John, I love you so much. You will never know how much I love you”. And then I woke up. But this time there was no sinking feeling. No pain. No guilt. She still loves me. She never stopped. I felt good. I needed that. You know most of the time as soon as you wake up the details of a dream will begin to fade and soon you won’t remember much of it. Not this one. I have relived it all day. Each time cherishing the feeling of her love. The touch of her hand, the look on her face, the assurance of her presence. I’m not a psychologist and haven’t stayed at a Holiday Inn Express in a long time but I think I understand this dream. Whether it was God, Pat, my subconscious or a combination of all three I got what I needed. I choose to think that the Creator of all things knew just how much I needed that reassurance and He allowed Pat to intervene in my dream. I am at the point in my grief where the letting her go becomes more and more real every day. That is why the dreams have been so severe lately. That is also why she came to me to tell me it is ok to let her go. It will not mean we no longer love each other. It just means I have to move on. Not immediately. But gradually. A little bit at a time. Letting go is the hardest part. Maybe now I can start because I know she still loves me. She told me.
Posted on: Sat, 13 Sep 2014 01:27:21 +0000
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