Everything is going pretty good here. Ory is still on IV antibiotics and the bipap at night. He was on 8L of oxygen, went down to 6L and had a really tough day a couple of days ago, so he had to go back to 8L. But he tried 6L again is trying to work back and forth between 6L and 8L. I had to go home to pay rent and check in on everything at home. I just got back to the hospital a little while ago after being gone for a couple of days. Two of the hardest things to do is to drive out the driveway of the hospital parking garage and the other is to drive out of the driveway at home. I started crying as I walked up the sidewalk of the house and little Hazel was sitting in the window of Orys med room, looking out, as if she was looking for him. That precious little cat had such a look of longing on her face. It was such a heartbreaking moment. I guess maybe I needed to just have a little cry anyway but it was one of those moments that hit me hard. Like I had been hit with a fiery arrow straight through the heart. Its was a moment that I admitted that CF effects every little part of our life now, in one way or another. Even when we make a conscious effort to see the good, think the positive and do the best we can without complaint.....there are some things that are just too painful for words. CF doesnt care if we have plans. It doesnt care how old we are....where we live. It doesnt care if its a holiday or if weve got little furbabies missing us at home. It doesnt care if we ever want to go on vacation. It doesnt care if Ory wants to run in the ocean. It doesnt care if we want to go to concerts. It doesnt care about any of our hopes....our dreams. I allowed myself to take a day and admit that this is hard. Not just parts of it....all of it. Being strong, being courageous isnt about pretending everything is ok when its not. Its knowing that everything is not ok, being able to admit that certain things in life are harder than you can handle but knowing without a doubt that somehow, some way you will make it through. I sometimes see folks talking about how God doesnt give you more than you can handle. I have never been able to find that anywhere in the bible. Ill be honest with you....when Ory cant breathe and it takes a machine to make his lungs work for him....its more than I can handle. I dont have the physical or emotional capacity to handle it. BUT I also have great peace in knowing that I dont have to handle it on my own. Every day, I wake up and have more than I can handle. Every day, when I am feeling overwhelmed, I say, God! I dont have it! Please give me what it takes. Please make me strong. Please make me courageous. Help me to not be scared. Grant me grace for my weak moments. I guess if there is a passage that sums up how I have felt the past couple of days it would be 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. It took me a while to learn to delight in my weaknesses. I dont like to feel like a wimpy weakling but I understand now how to delight in my weaknesses.....Because when I am weak, God and I have our time that I need with Him to work this stuff out....and I rely on Him to pull me up. I can delight in my weakness b/c I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is going to work this all out for my good somehow because I have experienced Him doing just that so many times before. And the delight part is me being able to wait for it....and wander how in the world He is going to do it. To wander with great anticipation to see what Hes going to do next. He works in crazy ways....Im so glad that its not up to me to figure it all out. I can delight in that as well. We are doing good today. I am back with my sweet man. He is taking breathing treatments and working out at the same time...on 7L of oxygen! He is the strongest....bravest.....most insanely disciplined and hard working man ever.....He makes me stronger. I am better because of him. I am ok because he is ok. Makes me smile. Makes me content. Makes me happy. Even if its hard....even when its not perfect. Its still good. Be blessed. Be encouraged. Be brave. All is well.
Posted on: Wed, 07 Jan 2015 20:06:18 +0000
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