FOR THOSE WHOSE PHONES CANT OPEN THE LINK. A Letter to My Future Wife: Good boyfriends don’t make good husbands By Manasseh Azure Awuni Dear Serwaa, Before I start with the reason for today’s letter, let me correct the wrong impression you created when you read my last letter about change. I did not say anywhere in that letter that I wanted to change you to suit me. Don’t get me wrong, Serwaa. I only want you to get better. And that is not to my advantage only. It will benefit both of us, especially you. It’s like your parents wanting you to do well in school. I was only debunking the theory that “you don’t enter into a relationship or marriage expecting to change your partner.” And I don’t think it is fair to accuse me of being dictatorial in our relationship because of this. What I tried to put across was simple: For instance, if you enter into a relationship with a man who smokes or drinks and you don’t like smoking or drinking, what do you do? You appeal to them to quit smoking or drinking. They have two options: to either stop the habit or say that’s how they are and that you can’t change them. Whichever option they choose should tell you whether they want to keep you or not. If they take the first option, there can be continuation. If they go for the second, the relationship can only continue if you are prepared to live with that habit. That was what I tried to put across, and you don’t have to be so upset and read many meanings into the simple message. I think it is possible to help a partner change in a positive way. What the Men and Women of God should preach is how to go about it. You must do it with love, not accusation and aggression. It cannot be achieved over night. You must back it with prayers. Besides, you should be prepared to make concession because sometimes you cannot get the hundred percent change you need. After all, did our elders not say a mad man who returns from the curer of sick heads healed still has a little left in him to scare children? But in all of this, there must be the willingness to change. The easiest way to get me out of this relationship is to keep insisting on what has become like your memory verse to salvation: “You can’t change me. You either accept me the way I am or you leave because any relationship expert would tell you that you don’t enter into a relationship to change the other partner.” Serwaa, I am not threatening you. But I won’t talk about this again. When I am tired and cannot take it any longer, I will walk away. It’s as simple as that. Last week, you talked about the fact that our relationship lacks elements of an ideal relationship. And when I asked what you think constitutes an ideal relationship, you narrated your experience with your past guys and backed it up with other ideal and fun-packed relationships you witnessed when you were at the Volta Hall. When I asked to be sincere and tell me what you make of me, you said I was not a good boyfriend. You said that an good boyfriend should have enough time for his girl, and when I asked about how much time, you said you knew some guys who could spend the whole day with their girls even if they had work to do. You also talked about the numerous outings and extravagant expenditure some guys shower on their girls. Your major point was that I take life too seriously, insisting that we should think about today and that tomorrow would take care of itself. Like seriously? Serwaa, I have told you never to compare me to your past boyfriends, haven’t I? If they were the ideal boyfriends you ever met, then you should have still been with them. I have also said there’s no model relationship or marriage. What works for Mr and Mr AB many not necessarily work for Mr and Mrs CD. We can be happy in our own way without necessarily having to be like some other people. If you care to know, good boyfriends in the sense you are talking about do not make good husbands. I know you ladies get carried away by impressions. And some guys are good at this. Even if it will cost them their future, they will try to impress in order to become what you deem good or ideal boyfriend. They do so for a reason. When you meet someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, you don’t only look at what they are or do today, but how that is likely to turn out in the future. That’s what draws the line between the good boyfriend and the good husband. Always remember that investing in the future is crucial because that’s where we will live the rest of our lives. This is not to say one should to so concerned about the future that we cease to live now. If the man you intend to marry does not care so much about the future but can provide you with all the fun you need for today, then something is wrong. If you visit your boyfriend, who is educated, and realizes that he has no single book in his room, you need to ask questions. If your boyfriend is not concerned about his career and that of yours, then think twice. You should not be happy when all the fun and gifts are coming from his parent’s pocket. They will not be there forever. Don’t be carried away by what good boyfriends do. Be concerned about what potentially good husbands do. Marriage is a life-long contract that must be adequately prepared for. I have a principle that I will not start what I cannot sustain in a relationship. And I have to be real about it. While I am not against having fun, I prefer to have full version of that fun in our marriage by sacrificing a part of our fun today. Let us postpone part of our fun for our marriage. We will need more time for each other in our marriage than in our relationship. We will need time for our children. We will need time for ourselves in marriage. Which one sounds more enviable: your roommate in Volta Hall who came back to announce proudly that her boyfriend had taken her to Golden Tulip for lunch or your colleague in the office who will you that she and her husband will spend their leave in Johannesburg and later move to the Kenyan National Park? Sometimes you need to eat at the Bush Canteen to be able to afford the latter. Serwaa, I want to be able to wake up one day and spend time with my family when it matters most, and not risk losing my next meal. That’s the reason I want us to get more serious with our work in our youth. Preparing for marriage is not much different from preparing for pension. There are some men who must report for work even when their wives are in labour. They cannot afford to disobey an inconsiderate boss because that will mean the baby’s diapers cannot be paid for. It happens mostly to those who failed to plan well. I am not a puritan. Everybody enjoys fun. And fun is good, especially when it is shared with the right people. We cannot, however, take anything for granted in our republic. While we need time for each other, let us not live as if there was no tomorrow. Let us work hard now that we are strong and have more time to spare. Let us build our profiles and leverage on that in the future. It is not impossible to do some of the things you want in your ideal boyfriend. But how sustainable can that be? When a guy showers you with gift and takes you to the best of restaurants in order to impress you, ask about their source of income. If a guy is prepared to spend productive hours with you to prove how caring he is, ask about how sustainable that can be. Serwaa, there is a vast difference between a good husband and your ideal boyfriend. Every man can be a good boyfriend with a little effort at faking. But being a husband requires insight, planning, sacrifice and dedication to what is sustainable. There is one thing you ladies never seem to get about us men. Our character is not so much different from the six-inch mini cobra dangling in-between our legs. The character of most men is just like the manhood before and after ejaculation. He will do anything to get what he wants. A young man will not mind using his school fees to “spread” his girlfriend at Golden Tulip. But after getting what he wants and knowing that cannot sustain the “spreading” things will definitely go sour. But a good husband will not do that. So stop being envious of your friends and their “good” boyfriends. Serwaa, be real. I want to be a good husband and not a “good” boyfriend. I have to be real with life and with you in this relationship. On this reality shall we build our marriage, and the gates of divorce shall not prevail against it. It’s your love, Manasseh. The writer, Manasseh Azure Awuni, is a Senior Broadcast Journalist with Joy 99.7 FM. His email address is azureachebe2@yahoo. This column is published every Friday on myjoyonline
Posted on: Sat, 12 Apr 2014 08:48:39 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015