Feeding The Good Wolf Too often I speak on things that dont really matter and I contain the important things within myself which seems foolish to me and yet I still do it. I chant and bicker about sports, politics, and probably more about Star Wars and Transformers than I care to admit. I do this while muting the things that mean the most to me. One thing I love about my church and those who attend it is that there are no apologies made for being Christian despite the fact that society has come to expect it. Were supposed to subdue our faith and keep it inside because it makes others uncomfortable if we express it outwardly. Im not bottling my faith anymore for anyones comfort. Im not harming anyone by believing what I believe and its making me sick to restrain it. Not physically ill but emotionally and spiritually. Its been an incredibly long time since Ive felt Gods presence in my life but Ive always known He was there. I persevere because I dont need that feeling to be certain Hes there. In the end, His spirit will be lifted from the Earth and well be left without it anyway. Ive always wondered what that would be like but now Ive experienced it. Ive sought God and felt nothing for so long that I have no doubt my faith is strong enough. Ive felt other things. The joy of congregation with my brothers and sisters being the most important to me and yet Ive been cut off from it more than I would like. Something took root in me, as it does for many combat veterans, that feels as if it closes me off from many different things and many different emotions that seem to be relevant in the lives of others. Our minds, hearts, and souls are as combative with each other as we were in war and, as a result, suffer a similar brutality as we brought upon the flesh of others. We did what we did and we came home and now we cover it up. Its something that has been with me for a long time and seems to encourage me to believe that I am simply one thing trying to shroud myself with the disguise of goodness. I attempt to cover the evil so no one can bear witness to what is at the core of me and I boast my goodness to others in desperation to amplify it because I want it to be true. But it only served to make me feel as a wolf in sheeps clothing which is exactly how Ive recently begun to view myself. Without expressing that to him, my friend and pastor shared a story with me today. (I found a more eloquent version than I would have written) An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. Theres a fight going on inside of me. he said to the boy. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. He continued, The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - inside every other person too. The boy thought about it for a moment then asked his grandfather, Which one will win? The old Cherokee simply replied, The one you feed. Id never heard that before but it was the story I needed now. We all have the capacity for good and evil. Both are inherent to our worldly lives, but we choose which one we give power. Ive attempted to cover mine, as most tend to do, but in fearing that the evil defines me I focus on it and give it more prevalence than it should be awarded. Its my own fault. Ive been blind to many things as Saul was blind. Ive fought as a warrior as Saul once did. Ive been transformed by Gods grace and love as Saul was transformed into Paul by that same grace and love. I just pray I can finish the race as the latter. The way to completion is by feeding the good wolf and defending it from the bad. Christ died not only so that I could be forgiven but so that His grace could remove this sickness from me as if removing the crushing bite of the bad wolf. The injury remains but it will heal. I have faith in that as I do in the Father who heals. Show faith by your works together and God will live in you. Feed yourself inwardly as you express outwardly. Be broken. It isnt that everything is suddenly fixed for me nor do I desire that. By instead embracing the suffering as an opportunity to express my faith and the strength He gives me, I find food for the good wolf. The goal and glory go to God, but David, you get the assist. Im grateful.
Posted on: Sun, 14 Dec 2014 19:25:24 +0000
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