Filled with a lot of emotions today. Yesterday I met with the gyn oncologist who will be doing my hysterectomy and any repairs. Hes probably only 30 and a very attractive Italian guy. Great-lol. It was a very sobering visit. He said BEST case (no excessive blood loss, no organ damage, and no anesthesia issues) he will remove my uterus and part of my cervix, Ill wake up a few hours afterwards, and Ill recover for 7ish days in the hospital. WORST case (besides death) would be excessive bleeding that they cant stop, in which case they would have to leave me open, pack my abdomen with sterile materials, send me to ICU in an induced coma, and figure out a game plan. And anything in between those two scenarios is fair game. Theres a high likelihood of bladder damage, and even if repaired well, the bladder can decide not to function indefinitely, which would mean a catheter long-term. Ill be admitted the day before and will have catheters put in the iliac arteries in my groin (which Ive heard is no picnic). When surgery begins, theyll inflate balloons in the catheters to block the arteries to try to reduce blood loss. There are risks from the balloons themselves, the greatest being damage due to no blood flow to the legs. Ill have a vertical incision, likely from my sternum to just above my public bone but possibly just from my belly button down. Theyll get Kenzi out and them remove my uterus with the placenta still inside it. The surgery could take anywhere from 3-10 hours, depending on placental attachment, any repairs needed, and amount of hemorrhage. My biggest anxiety (besides how Jaxon is going to cope without me for so long) is going to sleep not knowing if Ill wake up and not knowing that Kenzi is OK. But it is what it is. The chance of death is greatly reduced by early diagnosis and multi-disciplinary planning, but it is still a real possibility. There are many variables that they dont know until they get in there. Some people get fatal diagnoses and have time to come to terms with it and finish their life the way they want to, even though its too short. Some of course die in tragic accidents with no notice. And Im stuck somewhere in between. By the time I deliver, I will have had 13 weeks at the most to finish well. Now I only have 6 weeks left, at the most, to prepare. Im feeling the panic of running out of time. God willing, I will recover and come home to my husband and six kids. But the possibility of that not happening (or being permanently debilitated in some way) is almost too much to bear. Throughout the day, I randomly start crying. I look at Jaxon developing more each day and just try to soak it all in. I see my big kids going through normal (and some not so normal) teen angst, and it pains me to think thats what Ill remember. And, I may never get to even see Makenzi. Again, Im not being morbid, and the odds are very good that Ill get to share my story of survival! But its possible, and thats almost a surreal realization. I dont have time to grieve and prepare and make a bucket list. So, in the next six weeks, I have to do as much as I can to leave things in such a way that I can have peace, whatever happens. Im writing letters to Mike and the kids, making videos of me reading Jaxons favorite books, and of course taking a million pictures. So, thats where were at. My next appointment is next Monday, but they arent really expecting the plan to change. Well likely be scheduling surgery the last week of May, at 34 weeks, right after lil dude turns 2. If I start bleeding or my placenta starts going even more haywire sooner, it will all happen at that time. Thanks for all the love and support and patience during this time. This is one of those things that people truly dont understand unless theyve been through it, and thats fine. But please keep that lack of understanding in mind when you feel like telling me to just smile and pray ;-). And please pray for peace, comfort, and understanding for all my loved ones. The kids really seem to have no clue, but they are processing it all in their own (not so healthy) ways. And especially pray for my sunshine boy, Jax. He has never, ever been away from me more than a few hours, and even then hes a basket case when I get home. Im really heartbroken thinking about the effect all of this will have on him. Of course hell he fine eventually, but as its happening, he will not be fine.
Posted on: Tue, 15 Apr 2014 19:54:00 +0000