First, I want to say I am NOT an open person, I am extremely private. Letting people in is extremely out of my comfort zone and not something that I do. I am not the women who cry’s, and I am not the women who bares her soul to the world. The only person I have shared myself with is my husband. However, I made a mistake. I told the love of my life that I needed to prove to him that I am serious about making amends, and that I am serious about my feelings for him. I am making this public to be open an honest to him, his family, and the world about how I feel and think. I pray this touch’s your heart Reyes. Growing up I was always afraid of marriage. I was not the little girl who played happily ever after, and prince charming. When anyone would even suggest any kind of commitment in regards to marriage my reaction was “there is the door please let it hit you on the way out”. It was like how could someone love another so much to tie themselves together for eternity??? I did not understand……Then like a gift from god Reyes walks into my life. I felt a love beyond anything I have ever known or believed possible. I fell in love from the first time I saw him and that love grew day by day. I was shocked when he asked me to be his wife….this beautiful man wanted to be mine forever. To stay with me forever, to have me for his wife for eternity. ETERNITY, that word felt so good and seeing it in his eyes was like a blanket covering me in love, safety, and security. Now I am in a constant battle within my own mind. I question…….does he get my letter’s (messages), does he read them, do they touch his heart, will he call, will he write, will he forgive me, is there a place in his heart that still holds feeling for me, will he ever let me come back home, can I make him see my love has always been pure, will he give me a chance to hold him to be held by him. All these questions, all the uncertainty of waiting I know I put him through, because three years ago I walked out on my marriage, on that love, thinking it was the only way to protect my husband. I never wanted to leave. I never wanted to hurt him. I realized as soon as I left that I had made the wrong move, but found myself frozen in fear. Fear he would not hear me out, and fear that he would. My head was a mess, and my heart was broken. I was angry, and alone……just trying to wake up from day to day was extremely hard for me. Depression seeped into every part of my life and I honestly did not know how to get to the world to stop spinning. I kept thinking things like “I let him down”, “no way can he love someone like me”, “I am not the pretty women he writes about”, “when he sees me he will be disgusted and will not want to touch me”, “why does he love me”, “I lost everything he has nothing to come home to” all these thoughts and many more were in my head before I even left. The final blow was hearing from my doctor that if I kept having stressed induced panic attacks then I was looking at a possible heart attack. I flipped out……here I was alone; my husband was away and would not be coming back very soon. And where he was at there was nothing he could have done to change anything or to just come home. MY FEAR was that I would die while he was gone and that he would never recover from the guilt of not being home when that happened. I was afraid that it would literally kill him from the inside out. That was something that I refused to let happen. I love my husband too much to let him fall into that black void because of my death while he was gone. So I left…….. I know it was wrong. And I know that what I should have done was lean on him for his love and support. I am not the type of person who readily apologizes for doing something wrong. One of my faults is that I have so much pride I assume that the person I have wronged just knows that I am sorry. I made a very big mistake and I would give anything to go back in time and take all of that back. I don’t have a time machine so I can’t undo what I have done and words will never be able to express how sorry I am. However, I can work toward a better future. I can work on making amends with my husband. I can tell you Reyes that I love you, I want my husband back, and I want a future with you. I am only half a person without you; you are my other half, my soul mate, and best friend back. I know I made a bad error in judgment, I am pleading with you to please forgive me and give me a chance to show you that my love for you is REAL. All I have ever wanted Reyes is wrapped up in you…….you are my home and I miss home. I miss the beauty of it, the warmth and strength, the sanctuary your love provides. I love you Reyes always and forever.
Posted on: Sun, 25 Aug 2013 02:32:04 +0000
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