For 30 years I have had a preconceived opinion of the man my suicidal father was. When you are raised without a parent I think that you search high and low for answers. The most common I always resorted to was was I not good enough? and why did you leave us? I often times cried under a blanket thinking it was my fault (although only 18 months old at the time) For years upon years I would watch all the other kids bonding with their dads at the park and at sporting games. I wondered what it would be like and if I would have been raised differently. I think deep down inside, I made my own determination on the type of person he was as a man based on my characteristics today. I cant even begin to describe how wrong I have been the last 30 years. So why am I just now bringing this up? My beautiful mother has been telling me her entire life that she was writing a book. A memoir of her life so to speak and I would always poke fun of her because I never saw this book or maybe I just wanted a reason to give her a hard time. Well again, I was wrong... She just sent me the rough draft of her life story and the first chapter is all about my father. This hero that I had created in my own mind because I wanted to be proud of my dad despite him abandoning us. I have never in my life been so dead wrong about anything. As I read each sentence, each paragraph, I could feel my stomach sinking lower and lower. I began to get nauseous and tears began rolling down my face. I learned all about the sick and abusive monster I had placed on a pedestal. I felt weak and even had to step away from my computer and collect myself as I was unaware that a human being can actually be that bad... So why am I bringing this up publicly? I dont know really. I guess for two reasons: First, saying it makes me feel like I dont have to carry it and live with this new emotional chaos and disappointment inside me. Second, and more important I am 100% convinced that we determine our own future and outcome. There is nothing that can stand in our way but ourselves. We can lead our own lives or follow in our parents shadows. My mother chose to lead her own life and work hard for what she wanted and believed in. I chose to follow her shadow until I was brave enough to try it on my own. And although I failed over and over and over and over and over again I never gave up. Ironically most of this determination and persistence was because I learned how to be strong from my mother but I wanted my father to be proud of me as he looked down on me from heaven. It is strange what motivates us to be better, stronger, step forward when everyone else around us sits idly by just waiting for a leader to emerge so they can follow. Well dad, at the age of 32, I made it and then some, and I will not stop. Because there are people out there in life that have been thru worse than I have. Maybe they were raised by people like you and they dont know inside that they DESERVE to live a better life, one they are proud of. I want to encourage people to believe in themselves when nobody else does or when their family abandons them. To motivate and inspire people to be proud of their accomplishments every day when their head hits their pillow. And mom, as tears roll down my cheek writing this, I am so sorry that you had to go thru all the pain and suffering that you did. I now know where I get my strength when all I want to do is give up. I guess we all know where we end up when we give up. I thank you for always being my rock. My friend. My confidant, my educator and motivator. I am so happy that you pushed thru the shadows and found eternal happiness with Marcus. I am so proud of you and your new found happiness. This book of yours will effect a lot of people and I am so proud of you for being able to but all of your years of trials and tribulation out there for people to realize that nobody is perfect and they should stop trying to be. Stop lying to themselves and just be who you are. Proudly, happily, and accepting of that. I love you.
Posted on: Fri, 17 Oct 2014 19:14:01 +0000