For Everything (9) "We have to break up." I wasn’t sure if he heard me right because I felt his body vibrate beside me. It took me a full two minutes before I realized that he was chuckling. It took me even longer to hear the laughter that he was oh so painfully throwing out in the air. "Chino. I am serious. We have to break up." The laughter died. And, looking back at it now, I think he did, too. I looked up at him and saw the hurt in his eyes. Those eyes were a mess… but a beauty all in one. I dared not look away. It was not the time for cowardice. I bravely studied his features to see what was being felt. His eyes grew watery and shined in a manner that hurt. It stung badly enough to make me want to take back what I said. He was in a daze. I was in a cloud of guilt. But I was feeling brave. So I said it once more. “We have to break up.” And the world stood still. It should have been raining. It almost always rained in the movies when girls got their hearts broken. When that young man with a bittersweet smile and apologetic eyes showed up on the doorstep; telling his sweetheart that he was going off to war or beginning a battle with a fatal disease. Instead, there I was: the blundering heroine of my own crazy film, with a script that seemed to have a few gaping holes where all the witty lines were supposed to be. In the hot, sticky bench on the far side of the campus where students were scarce and the sun was beating down; subconsciously capping and uncapping a distilled water bottle, listening to my mind jumble up a bunch of words that eventually translated into “it’s over." "Jules. You know what, okay. Maybe you’re tired. Or sick. Or baka stressed ka lang. Tell me what I need to do to—" "Chino. Do you understand what I’m saying?" I asked in a voice that meant business. He stopped talking and took a deep, shuddering breath and I realized that it was my cue to talk. He was waiting for me to say something along the lines of “Yeah, honey, I’m sorry. Stressed lang ako. I just need to cool it down for a while. But I love you. And everything’s fine and dandy." But like I said; right in that moment, I was feeling utterly brave. "Chino. I am breaking up with you." "Jules. Why would you… why would you say that?" "Hindi na… hindi na ako masaya." "Pero bakit?" Kasi hindi na ikaw ang nagpapasaya sakin. The pain in his voice stopped me from saying that out loud. "Jules. Ganun na lang ba yun? Bibitawan mo yung… yung lahat ng meron tayo?" Yung lahat ng meron kami. And yes, what we had was enough. It was supposed to be enough. But it wasn’t. For me, it never was. And I was getting tired. Tired of pretending that we were fine, tired of the person I became whenever I was with him, tired of lying. And everytime I saw the strong, hopeful shine in his eyes, a part of me died a little bit more inside. "Jules. Hindi mo na ba ko kayang panindigan?" "Chino. I’m… I’m sorry but I am so messed up right now. Masasaktan ka lang if you stay with me. Kaya please. Trust me on this. We have to let each other go." "No. No, Julie. I love you. No." I cupped his cheek, rubbing my thumb gently across it. I saw his hurt eyes flutter shut, heard his voice shaking in a whimper. I knew he wouldn’t take it lightly but I wasn’t prepared for the pain that he was obviously feeling. "Why?" he groaned. “Julie, I can’t." “Chino. I’m not… I’m not cut out for you, okay? You need to meet a better girl. A girl who is way better than I am. You see, andaming nakapila. I’m pretty sure na madaming magcecelebrate if they hear about our break up." He forced a smile. It broke my heart. "Not funny, Jules. And I should hate you for this, you know?" "Makakalimutan mo din ako." "Imposible." "But you will." "I don’t think it’s possible to forget someone who gave you so much to remember." I sniffed. He pinched the tip of my nose before pulling me in for a warm hug. We stayed that way for a while; both of us crying, both of us knowing that that was it— the dreaded goodbye. For him, it meant losing. For me, it meant freedom. That, and a beautiful chance. "But we had that spark," he murmured after gaining his composure back. I laughed, because I recognized the words. "You stole my line." "You stole my heart when you wrote that line, Jules. Remember?" How could I forget? "We had a beautiful start, Jules. I can’t even believe that we would have an ending." "It was autumn," I whispered. We were, back then, strangers in a strange land. "I was sitting at a park bench, people-watching out of pure boredom," he recalled. “Tapos nakita kitang naglalakad. You took a seat on the bench across from mine." "My god. Ang taba ko pa nun." "You were amazing. Naalala ko, titig na titig ako sayo. Ikaw naman, titig na titig sa mga nahuhulog na dahon. Do you know why I knew, right there and then, that I was going to fall in love with you?" "Why?" "Nung tuwang tuwa ka sa mga nalalaglag na dahon, it was like you were falling in love with the world for the first time. I don’t know if you noticed me, but I stared at you for a good minute before realizing what I was doing." Then a gust of wind blew by, adhering a wet leaf right onto his forehead. Startled, he jumped slightly and smacked it from his face. That was when I noticed him. "Tapos pinagtawanan mo lang ako." "Eh kasi mukha kang ewan. Haha." "Tapos bigla kang tumayo at naglakad. Hindi kita hinabol kahit gustong gusto ko." I wanted him to run after me. He didn’t. But luck was on my side. Because I recognized him. And I figured how small a world it was and that seeing him again was a huge possibility. "Imagine my surprise a week later nung binigyan ako ng kape na hindi ko naman inorder." He was sitting in a local coffee shop toying with his phone when one of the baristas set a cup down in front of him. A latte with a leaf drawn in the foam. Handwritten at the cup were the words: But we had that spark. A phone number was written under the message. My phone number. "And I melted when I saw you outside." "And you never stopped chasing me ever since," I said with a chuckle. "I hope you never forget that, Jules. I hope you never forget that what we had was special." "I wouldn’t. And thank you." "And Jules? Pag dumating yung time na hindi ka na rin masaya sa kanya, you can always come back to me." "Chino…" "I mean it." "Chino," I said, in a stern voice this time. “I’m not coming back." Back then, I was so sure. Because the break up felt so certain. And I wore a smile that I hadn’t worn in an awfully long time. It was a smile that said, “Finally."
Posted on: Sat, 13 Jul 2013 08:13:55 +0000
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