For Richer or Poorer or Bankrupt By Lane Severson My wife and I filed bankruptcy this spring. The filing makes it official, but it is actually not a very interesting event. The process of financial collapse, coming to grips with your inability to fix your financial situation, and putting together a plan for recovery is much more interesting and informative. But what I will remember many years from now when I think of going bankrupt is how blessed I am to have the marriage I do. It is no secret that financial issues exacerbate issues that are latent in a marriage. If you tend to blame your partner for small things like the house being a mess you’ll blame them when your financial house is not only a mess but being repossessed. If you withdraw intimacy when you are stressed, you’ll shutdown big time. Money is often the 900 pound gorilla in a relationship. But Bankruptcy is that gorilla when he is mad. While our financial world was falling apart Laura and I didn’t turn against each other. Actually the opposite. Our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. We faced tragedy and it didn’t break us, it reinforced us. And we aren’t just in a state of shell-shocked disbelief, clinging to each other because that’s all we have left. Our marriage is more honest and intimate than ever. I think this is because our marriage is built upon a firm foundation. Bankruptcy couldn’t shake that foundation. All it could do was bring us back to the basics. So what were those basics? I think there are three primary commitments we made when we committed to marriage for richer or poorer: 1. Submission Laura and I vowed to submit together as a couple to the will of God. We promised to trust him to lead us where he wanted us to go. Did we think the path would take this turn? No. But we made a promise and we stuck with it. Being submitted to God meant that spent a lot of time praying for him to get us out of the trouble we were in. We weren’t always happy. A lot of times we were really upset about it. But we kept the lines of communication open. He used that openness to give us grace and patience both for the situation we faced as a couple and for the ways we felt like blaming each other. We also submitted our desire to change or fix the other person. Laura often says that when she felt like trying to control the situation by giving me rules she would take her concerns to prayer. She was able to see God provide for her by the way he worked on my and changed my attitude and actions. 2. Community We also vowed to be a part of a church. That’s never meant just attending for either of us. We both believe that the church is a confessing community. If we are really going to be a part of that community we need to be honest with trusted leaders about where we are as individuals and where we are as a couple. Without the strength of those deep relationships surrounding us in our time of need we would have felt lonely and abandon. 3. Humility Marriage is really the ultimate expression of humility. You are saying, “I’m better with this person than I am by myself.” We don’t always think about it that way. But it is true. As a couple we’ve had to say that we are not as good with our finances as we thought we were. We had to acknowledge that we could use advice and support from our parents, friends, siblings. It is very difficult to call your father and to admit that you’ve made a mess out of your life and you need help. But without that kind of humility in the marriage it isn’t possible for us to really change. The most important point is that Laura and I made these commitments together. There were very many days when I didn’t feel like maintaining them. But Laura continued to. There were days when she was frustrated and tired and wanted to throw the towel in but I was able to encourage her to hang in there. When I look back on the past two years I wouldn’t take a million dollars to go through the bankruptcy again. But I wouldn’t take two million to have never gone through it. Now for a disclaimer. Our discussions about money aren’t always perfect and we sometimes get mad at each other. We still make dumb decisions. But we are holding to the priorities of submission, community, and humility. By God’s grace that makes all the difference.
Posted on: Thu, 20 Jun 2013 17:21:50 +0000
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