For lack of a better term shit got real yesterday. I am extremely lucky in the way that I have been gradually introduced to my radiation treatments, I say it is gradual because the first week I only had 3 days then the weekend to recover. This week I had four days and then today I am free again because they are doing update maintenance to the machine so I get today off. That means I have three days to recover. I am more than happy about this because as I said things started to happen yesterday. It was like a switch got flipped, and for some reason the radiation just beat me up a little more yesterday than the past days. Today my neck is sore, red, and swollen. it is tender to press on the button on my filter to allow me to talk, and even swallowing is a littler rougher today than it was yesterday. I know I am not supposed to have sugar right now, but I am not going to lie, ice cream feels so good sometimes. In other words I just got a taste of what I get to look forward to in the next 5 weeks. On the plus side, as I said radiation did wear me out. Last night I crashed out pretty hard around 9 and was in bed by about 9:30, which is such a help, because my body was worn out. I am sure I am not the only one dealing with various forms of cancer that has trouble sleeping. I have been up till 1 and 2 in the morning a lot lately (sometimes later), and I am lucky that my body used to function on less sleep than the normal person, but I still need more sleep than I used to. There are just a number of factors that keep me from sawing logs. Funny little segue, I now dont snore in my sleep anymore (saw logs), even though I used to snore horribly. I mean I sounded like a chainsaw attached to a freight train ripping through a dynamite factory. However, now I dont snore at all, because I dont breathe through my mouth or nose, can you say HUGE WIN. Anyway, as I said there are just things that keep me from sleeping. It used to be just the restless leg thing, but I have gotten that under control a little bit (weird drinking tonic water seems to help and I stopped putting Stevia in my tea and that seems to have helped as well). But I am just anxious, and being honest with myself, I have some horrible nightmares sometimes that I dont want to deal with, because some of them are a reality for me now. My nightmares involve things like being unable to breathe because I am drowning under water, and then I will wake up and unconsciously try to suck in breath with my mouth but nothing will happen. Then I have to remember consciously that I dont breath out of my mouth and that my pillow or blanket might be blocking my throat. Or I will dream that I am hurt or someone I love will be hurt and I will scream for help but nothing will come out, or what does come out isnt loud enough for people to hear. I used to deal with nightmares, but eventually I just stopped remembering my dreams. It seems with my new predicament that my mind now wants me to remember them again and it is adding to my anxiety at night. Also before anyone suggests it, I am not going to try any sleeping meds. I dont want to depend on anything, and I am not pumping any more meds into my system then I already have to. I try Melatonin on occasion when it starts to get bad which has helped though. Either way I guess in a long meandering way, I just meant to say that I really needed the sleep and treatment yesterday wore me out so I got some. As I said, today I am sore, and I treatment has made me nauseous at times. when I run my hands through my hair right now I check to see how many hairs come out and if it is coming out in clumps. I just think about a lot of things now, that I never used to think about, and it bothers me about myself that I am doing that. There are only 5 more weeks or radiation ending the week of Halloween (my favorite holiday) and that is nothing in the grand scheme of things. After having gone to the Air Force Academy for a couple of years, and dealing with Beast and 4th class year, 6 weeks is nothing. I feel like my life has prepared me well for dealing with all of this. You talk to any of my buddies that went there, and they will tell you that you can stand on your head for 6 weeks if you have to. Plus, I have simple little reminders of how lucky I am each and every day. If you havent seen the attached, watch the video. These people are my inspiration. Have a great weekend my friends and Bear Down Chicago Bears!
Posted on: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 16:32:22 +0000
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