For real: This morning when I woke up, I honestly thought none of my clothes would fit me. After a weekend candy bacchanalia, I packed it all away and out of sight on Sunday evening. Monday was so crazy that when I finally made it home after hours in traffic, I needed a hit- and of course self medicated with mini butterfingers. Really, that in it self is not a big deal, I had 4 not 40, and I am an all things in moderation kinda girl. I dont know what set me off, but somehow it warped and twisted in my occasionally dysmorphic mind over night and I woke up convinced I had gained (back) 50 pounds. I was floored when my awesome pink dress pants fit this morning, and were even a little lose. (Thanks, launch week!) To be honest, I continue to struggle with body image and balance. I live in two worlds : a fitness industry where I am 6 sizes bigger than Jillian Micheals and the general public were I am often asked how I got such strong arms or (blush) my combat booty. The problem is not weather I am heavy or lean or you are heavy or lean- the problem lies in my heart, where rages the comparison factor. Head games. When I compare myself to others, those who are on different journeys and fight different battles and have different gifts- I always lose. Always. Either I judge harshly and sit in arrogance as my heart is filled with pride as I find myself to be stronger, leaner, prettier, smarter, funnier or whatever-er. Or I am filled with shame, regret and self loathing if I think you are more-er than my weaker, lesser self. Neither pride or shame have any place in a resurrected heart, a heart tuned to amplify the whisper of the Holy Spirit and shut out the wail of the flesh. That I wouldnt run out in front of you, and I wouldnt struggle from behind you, but we could stride together, inspiring each other, one step at a time, as iron sharpens iron. You will carry me at times and I will carry you at others. My hardcore fitness peeps: your discipline, dedication and perseverance inspire me daily. Not so hardcore or straight up challenged? Lets run the race, honor our bodies, faith is like a muscle (right Gee?) and we will get stronger. I am surrendering my prideful, jealous, arrogant heart, it is too heavy and painful to carry. I may have to surrender it 100 more times, but today I am choosing. And as God heals me from the inside, it will translate to the outside, and I will no longer fear butterfingers or dress pants or the scale or the mirror or you. The only heart I will compare mine to will be Jesus, in hopes to be more like his every day. More loving, more compassionate, more generous, more forgiving- to myself and to the world. #truthfultuesday #breakmyheart #insideout #mindbodyspirit
Posted on: Wed, 05 Nov 2014 00:01:18 +0000