For two years I have been fighting severe anxiety when it comes to dealing with people who hold positions capable of influencing my life. I know it was an offshoot from my time with my wife. When one gets an anxiety attack it often feels an awful lot like fear. I couldnt figure this out because before my wife I was a nearly fearless individual. How could I go from terribly fierce and nearly fearless to almost being afraid of any confrontation? I know she messed me up by putting me in no-win scenarios then punishing me for whatever path I chose, but she is gone and you cant change a man entirely no matter what! You may teach him to act a certain way but you cant actually change his basic nature. this left me wondering how I could be afraid of confrontations with anybody who could influence my life. Then a few days ago it HIT ME! Im not afraid of them, IM AFRAID OF what they might bring out in me! Now that I am free of her tyranny I dont intend to let anyone ever gain control of me again and that has extended itself into all contacts with anyone who has even an iota of power over me. Im not afraid of them! Im afraid they are going to force back the thin veneer of civility stretched over the truth and make me pissed! I dont want to be angry! If I could never get angry again for the rest of my life Id be happy but all of my life I have had anger issues and me losing control terrifies me! Now I know why Ive been so anxious. The world is full of people who I have no faith in their ability to keep from giving me a reason to be pissed.
Posted on: Fri, 17 Oct 2014 00:45:41 +0000
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