Four Confessions on a Friday...I left my homework until the last minute. This might suck. 306. I confess that I believe the world is coming to an end. The catalyst? The vending machine. The vending machines in my building now accept credit cards. Thats right, unlimited finances for any and all Snickers, Kit Kats, Cheez-its...even that gum that no one buys. Want the whole row? Vertical or horizontal, its yours! I thought it was groundbreaking when vending machines accepted singles. Gone were the days of insufficient quarters and dimes. Enter the age of slowly realizing that three singles arent enough to get me a drink and...well...anything else. But now I can just blindly swipe my card and let my appetite and laziness go wild. What a country. Morbid obesity for all with a good credit score. 307. I confess that I love Christmas lights. While I dont go all Clark Griswold over the holidays, I do appreciate when some people turn their front yard into a magical light show extravaganza...um...thing. Still, I think the silliest Christmas lights are the ones that simulate icicles. I live in Western New York. We have icicles on our houses for four months out of the year. Thats enough. Ive even seen icicle lights that were obstructed by actual icicles. This just seems redundant. So, Im taking this practice in a more idiotic direction. Im buying black light bulbs to lay across my driveway to simulate black ice. This way when I fall on my butt and someone sees me, theyll just assume that Im getting into the spirit of the season. 308. I admit that I love Dunkin Donuts. Nowhere else can I go and not know if I will be getting either delicious affordable coffee or a cup of deep seeded animalistic rage. I attempt to get my delicious affordable coffee the standard way, by steering my car into a yellow painted lane that says, drive thru (because apparently adding an o, g, and h would make the sign far too long and confusing. Come to think of it, DD is not spelling either part of their name correctly). Dunkin Donuts are designed by sadists. Most DD drive thru entrances feature another access point that is 2/3 of the way toward the menu speaker. So I wait patiently in line, adhering to the social contract, and then some inconsiderate and self-important a-hole tries to get his/her delicious Munchkins before me by utilizing this dastardly unsanctioned lane. Then the game of chicken between two people without an ounce of coffee in their system begins. I stay the course, avoid eye contact, and inch my car forward, letting my fury at this rule breaking douche be my guide. I ignore honks, screams, threats, and obscene hand gestures as I make my way to doughnut heaven. I know I am 100% in the right in this situation--I was here first. Its simple. Get in line. What totally makes my day, more than pulling off the I was in line before you and there is no way you are cutting me move is when the person in the car behind me refuses to let them in as well. Stay strong, people! 309. I admit that I am a fan of family rituals, especially ones that are passed down from generation to generation through oral tradition. One of the greatest examples of this is the finest of holiday songs: Jingle Bells, Batman smells Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away (Hey!) This song rose to prominence and has been orally passed down for half a century from a wacky uncle to a mischievous niece (at an inappropriate age) to an impressionable cousin and so on. The reason? Well, who wouldnt love a classic that combines the holidays and superheroes farting. This impeccable verbal heirloom has survived 50 years and is not slowing down anytime soon. So this holiday season, belt out a tribute to the Dark Knights flatulence and heres to 50 more years of laughter! Have a good Friday. Remember, office holiday parties are the best places for unnecessary disclosure about your personal life. Wait, I think I may have that wrong. And please buy a 4CF book for the holidays!
Posted on: Fri, 12 Dec 2014 10:30:43 +0000
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