From .......30 Painfully Funny One-Liners From 30 Legendary Comedians “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis “I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.” – Jack Handey “You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.” – Anthony Jeselnik “They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the f**king effort. There’s a difference.” – Bill Hicks “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades” – Demetri Martin “There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK “I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, “OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell.” – Maragaret Cho ‘It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen “I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper “There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.” – Doug Stanhope “I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” – Conan O’Brien “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld “The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.” – Joan Rivers
Posted on: Sat, 07 Jun 2014 14:41:31 +0000
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