Gawd, do I really need to learn this as well as tons of other stuff in order to achieve homeostasis? Why cant I just be loved the way I am and simply continue doing and scoffing whatever I fancy, so long as it doesnt hurt others?!? I sent in a uni project yesterday that reading again today looked like a child in a sulk had written it, but I had to make the deadline. Perhaps this was the case, because even my boyfriend Glyn couldnt prevent the massive panic attack thats been looming for over a week that hit me yesterday morning like a monsoon! After years of counselling and being taught how to halt the little panic attacks, when they do sneak through without warning, Im now being walloped!!! He came to my rescue late the other night to calm me down, but where as normally the symptoms dissipate when hes here to distract me, he had to witness yesterday morning me go through utter hell, as my sympathetic nervous system went into overdrive! No amount of hugs, caresses or positive talk from him could halt the shakes, panic, heart palpitations, breathlessness, hyperventilation and subsequent vomiting and these are just a few of the horrid reactions! Luckily, hes still there for me and I not only want to thank him but also Neil McEvoy (who told me to take care when I was unable to attend a meeting) and Marcus West (who sent me some music to teach me how to breathe just 6 times a minute to keep me calm!?!) even though Id accidentally downloaded some new application on my computer several days ago and couldnt find access to my private e-mails and was suffering too much stress to visit the IT department at uni again to sort it. Aarrgghhhh! Anyway, there was a storm last night that suited my dour mood, where I lay in bed still suffering the physical effects of this recent attack and started thinking that maybe Im not good enough to continue with uni. After all, those behind the nasty flashbacks that are triggering these dreadful nightmares and massive panic attacks kept telling me that I was dumb, useless and that nobody would take me seriously. The thought of being kicked out of uni made the panic even worse, so in desperation I took a load of herbal sleeping tablets to knock myself out. They only worked for about an hour (as my bodys used to tolerating stronger stuff from the prescription pills I used to take that accidentally helped me grow from a model figure into 24.5 stone by 2009), so as I again awoke with my heart threatening to burst out of my chest and my lungs feeling squeezed so much they could hardly function, I admit that I was simply ready to give up and just die. Then I thought about all my animals, Mum, closes friends and others that rely on me to look after them and knew I was being selfish. Also, HOW was I going to feel the same connection with my partner if I became a ghost?!? (Hes often moaning that he can hardly locate me now in THIS reality, despite the advanced technology! LOL! x) So, I cancelled everything planned for this weekend and started to re-write my uni assignment AGAIN. Ive no idea whats going to happen now, as Im too busy trying to stop the panic that hasnt left me, yet know that IF I keep working on this assignment and ignore the fact that the deadline dates gone and remember that theres no such thing as time in other realms, maybe it will soon complete itself in an acceptably high standard suitable for uni? Ironically, its only to be 2,000 words long and about a subject I SHOULD now be an expert in...... the serious health implications caused by severe, ongoing STRESS and does massage relieve them? If I DO get kicked out of uni, I suppose that I COULD set up a business doing massage, but Im currently too tired to even complicate that idea. Therefore, Angels, please help me out of this pickle!?! xxxxxxxxxx
Posted on: Sat, 10 Jan 2015 20:24:50 +0000