Getting to her will not be easy though she has a minimum of trivia on her pages. I suppose I should feel guilty about reading it but my curiousity out ways my sense of irresponsibility. Did she leave it behind on purpose or forget it in her rush to leave. Either way I dont suppose Ill be hearing from her. I think theres a kind of code here about us, about them. The things she has to say about the world arent true.Theyre not true to me. Her cynical nature is exposed, or is it? Did she allow a darker part of herself to write these pages or was she practicing being that someone she wasnt to others. Her practiced skill at being fresh and alive is derided here. Who was she? I cant help but wonder whether Im missing something here. Did she allow herself to practice on these pages the person she would be in her next life? There are places that her thoughts are bizarre. Words are repeated. Sentences are repeated. Arguments seem convoluted.She remembers things differently than I do. Sailing was her pleasure and she uses references to boats, boats going different places. Often they encounter rough seas. Often they are lost. She wants to be lost in this sea of humanity. She wants no protection, no home, no children, no job, no money. She has plunged herself under the surface of things and wants to drown there. This is what the pages are saying. Is it true? The book could be lying. She could be lying to herself, she who was so honest to others it would often confuse them. Ive read through half the thing and will put it away some where. Maybe Ill throw it in the garbage as she might have intended I do. Is this about suicide, a promise of it or a reminder. Who she is out there I cant know. Is this book a sincere recording of her thoughts or a joke to leave behind for me? Ive asked all the questions I have. She is gone whoever she is. That is all.
Posted on: Sat, 19 Oct 2013 13:19:55 +0000
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