Gini Pickett 14 hrs · KEEP AWAY This is a game that YOU learn to play. They hate it. One of the most important things to recognize is that they will NEVER cop to the fact that any games are being played so it IS up to you to stop playing. This means you don’t try to bring up past stuff because you’ll always be told you’re wrong, they are right and you need help. You don’t try to get them to acknowledge — let alone take responsibility for — their words or actions because, according to them, they didn’t do it. Most of them literally can NOT see what they are doing to you (or WILL not see.) They might (sort of and quite grudgingly) appear to acknowledge that they’ve said or done bad things but they’ll never stop or change (unless they seek serious therapy and most will not because nothing is wrong with THEM you see. It’s everyone around them.) Yes, they might sort of acknowledge…but you will pay the price for your attempts at bringing the relationship into a healthy place. In their unconscious mind, they are dirty, evil, flawed and horrible. They usually cannot acknowledge this fact but are driven by a compulsion to make others feel the same way. They are filled with envy and rage and trying to get them to acknowledge these facts will bring out a monster…with you being the victim they fully intend to eat. Remember, fake acknowledgement is only a way to keep you in the game. A support group or therapist is usually very helpful to those of us who choose to stop playing the games. Total NC (no contact) is the ultimate form of “Keep Away” and completely stops the games but some people don’t feel able to do that (and that’s okay, we’re each on our own journey and need to do the things that are the best for us in healing and learning self care.) If you are in a love relationship, you CAN walk away from the toxic narcissist in your life. If your boss is an abusive narcissist, you CAN find another job. You CAN walk away from your parents too but you will get a different reaction about that from society, especially if you are a Christian. If you choose to stay, one way to STOP playing their game is to not respond to jabs, barbs, pleas, put-downs and the like. It’s REALLY hard to do but think of it this way: If you’re playing a game of catch with a ball, the only way to stop the game is not to catch the ball when thrown, or not pick up the ball and throw it back. (Of course, in a normal game of catch, most people won’t try to stab you to death if you want to stop — which a narc will do in some way or another — but it IS possible to stop playing. Just be prepared for an onslaught of negativity, accusations and histrionics.) Ignoring them drives them nuts but ignoring inciting words, keeping your mouth shut and not responding to inciting words, hanging up the phone (with proper notice such as “I’ve got something I need to do” — not slamming it down in fury!) or leaving the location are all ways for YOU to refuse to catch the ball, or put the ball down / choose not to throw it back. This is “Keep Away” — you stay away, walk away and refuse to play. You do NOT have the power to change them but you can walk away from the games…YOU have the power to stop playing. The scissors to cut the apron strings are scissors YOU own, not the dull pair that don’t cut; the ones that your narc mom owns. Daddy’s toxic lap is one you can choose to step down from. If your spouse wants to play, you can choose not to. Lay down the ball, walk away and enjoy the temporary rest. I say “temporary” because they WILL be back to play another day. They WANT their dose of narcissistic supply from you (and feel eternally entitled to it.) Only you can withhold that. They will do EVERYTHING in their power to tell you that you do NOT have the right to stop playing. Only you can stop playing because they won’t. NEVER. EVER. You are the only one in the game who can play “Keep Away!”
Posted on: Sun, 16 Mar 2014 20:01:22 +0000