God i hate feelin so socially awkward. I miss talkin to people and want so very badly to talk to people but i cant and i push people that i once was very close to away. I want to get to know my dad and my family on his side better but i get so nervous and scared, I want to reconnect with my mommas side but i feel so awkward and out of place, i want to get back in touch with people i called my bestfriends and tell em all how much i miss em and how thankful i still am for them bein there for me when I had noone else and for bein family and understandin me and who i really am when noone else cared to but i feel sometimes as if it may be too late to tell some :/ One day i will be better...one day I will make myself be the way i once was, one day i will fix what is broken inside of me. Just know that, regardless of my emotional or mental distance, i still love each and every one of you...even the family that i dont know. I know some of you may not understand, especially those that knew me before all of this, but something got broken along the way. I have tried for years now to fix it. It has cost me dearly and i still hurt everyday that my mental problems and paranoia has cost me friendships that i could never in my wildest dreams thought i would lose...it has cost me relationships with family...it has damn near cost me everything. I apologize to everyone it has affected. I ask one thing...please dont give up on me just yet. I know i am a work in progress...i struggle everyday to get myself back. Thank you to those that have stuck by my side, have dealt with my ever changing mood swings (thank you bipolarism for all your bs!), thanks to those who have watched me trip tf out and tried to bring me back to reality even though i scared the hell outta them (thank you schizophrenia for all your f##ked up hallucinations!), thanks to those who have watched me do some very stupid s##t and held my hand through it all and gave me hope when i thought all hope was gone, thank you to those that never doubted me, never said i was fakin my mental problems for attention (yes people i loved and trusted done that to me but i wont say names cuz i still love em and try daily to forgive and forget) thank you to the ones that never gave up on me. I could not ask for more in this life and yall are one of the biggest reasons i fight everyday to fix me. Thank you for loving me...hope yall know how much i love yall too.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Nov 2014 00:50:51 +0000
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