God is good and everything He does is good. God has a plan that is unchanged since before time; a plan that enfolds the salvation of souls, together with my housing situation, and sleep patterns, and hair color, and ice-cream preference- every minute detail- in one overarching theme- that all would work together for His glory and credit and praise. I knew that. At least, I understood and accepted that. But Jesus really wanted me to KNOW that intimately. Two years ago I had a miscarriage that had me hurting and scared, but through it, Jesus taught me about JOY and PEACE- that true joy and peace come from placing my hopes and expectations on someone for whom it is impossible to let me down. The more I understand the sovereignty and goodness of my Jesus, the more joy and peace I am afforded. Within my healing process afterwards, there was also the prevailing thought that two kids are great, and I didnt want any more. And then Jesus authored a new life within me. The thought of carrying another child, and the potential of losing the pregnancy, in addition to the fact that I had convinced myself of not wanting any more children, lent itself to a near denial of this new little life. I still valued it, cherished it as life, and thus a sacred treasure, but I didnt want it. In jest Id answer well-meaning folks, “Ah, this DIY thing is just not for me anymore!” But I meant it. And I went through the first 20 weeks of pregnancy mentally and emotionally detached. But, turns out, that was part of Jesus plan, too. Last week, at a routine ultrasound (yay, gender check!), what was an anticipated occasion, turned out to be a very hard circumstance. My husband and kids were forced to wait in the lobby for an hour while I was with the technician, unable to see the images unless I scooted down the table, slid my head off the edge and gazed upside down at the corner of the screen. Only after all the measurements were taken, was my family invited to see some snapshots and a fuzzy blur which our tech translated into a gender. She then told us to wait as she fetched the midwife. 20 minutes later we heard that our baby was two weeks behind developmentally, that we couldnt rule out a second-trimester miscarriage, and that we needed to head to San Francisco to see a specialist. Being detached from this pregnancy allowed me to process this information in a very logical manner. I was able to remember what was true (God is good, everything He does is good, and is all according to His Plan A), and factor our situation into those parameters. I was even able to remember that as the whole week I was struck with severe exhaustion, often demanding three naps a day, up to 7 hours in a day. I was zapped. It was hard. But God was still good. This past Wednesday we left our kiddos with my sweet sister, packed a few snacks and drove the five hours to San Fran. After getting lost for a few minutes (a combo of avoiding trollies, maneuvering garages, and looking for the wrong medical building), we made it to the ultrasound. We were seen by an excellent stenographer, and then a second tech (who turned out to be one of the leading- famous- experts in the field), also took a look, using three different wands in order to get the most accurate information on baby. We were then sent a few buildings away to get Medical translated into English. After a while (of cloud gazing and people watching- we were in the top story, which afforded an excellent bay window view of the city), the Doctor came in. She, after consulting a Senior doctor, concurred with the results, came in, and told us “I have nothing but good news!” They had seen that baby was a little on the small end, but, assured me that everything was progressing just fine, and that there is nothing abnormal about the ultrasound. During the five-hour drive back, I realized that this baby had just become real. My emotions started kicking into mother mode and, though Im still not excited about BEING pregnant (its just not comfortable for me), and Im still not a fan of the labor process (epidural, here I come!), this baby is now MINE. Im now excited to sort through baby clothes, figure out a make-shift nursery, and finding the perfect baby name. Even if Jesus had called us to a different story progression- losing the child, lending us a baby with physical or mental challenges, putting my life in a precarious position, etc.- HE would have stayed the same: Good. Holy. Just. Perfect. Kind. And we would praise Him for His plan for us BECAUSE of who He is as the Planner. But for now, we are rejoicing in His grace, in granting us a normal pregnancy. May we be so filled with Jesus that, when our cup of life is “bumped,” we will spill out a reflection of who He is, and the work He is doing in our lives. God is good, amen??! And I now KNOW that to be more real than I had ever experienced before. Oh yes, and were having another girl! :)
Posted on: Fri, 23 May 2014 03:27:22 +0000
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