God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. -Revelation 21:4. Think of a land of no more sorrow, Think of a land of no more fear, Think of no death and no sickness, Think of a land of no tears. -Anonymous. On February 20, 2012 I had no clue that my life would forever change when a freak accident happened leaving me with a broken back for life, nor did I ever expect that I would become addicted to the pain meds prescribed. When someone tells you pain pills are the white devil... Believe them, because at first we had a choice and we chose to use. Then, we got to the point that we no longer had a choice, we had to use - having given our will and our lives to our addiction - the love affair was on. My life since then has been like a runaway train, out of control and destroying everything in its path bent on self-destruction. Our will is our way of doing things. I always wanted to fix things the way I wanted them, no matter who it hurts or destroys. This comes from the core of the disease, self-centeredness. There is only one power that can destroy self-centeredness and thats spirituality. I gained hope for the first time in December 2013 after going through withdrawals by myself at home. I gained hope by believing that there is a way to live without living on pain pills. But this is where I got stuck and couldnt seem to move on because I had to take something simple, analyze it and make it complicated. I got scared and feared the back pain that I would suffer with daily - this would be my stumbling block to the path of recovery. I simply made a choice, Am I going to continue running from life (myself) or am I going to face life on lifes terms? I had to choose at this point if I wanted to keep running my life the way I had been in the past or do I want help to change my life, to learn a new way to live. God as we understood Him calls for self-honesty and being open-minded. Recovery is the journey - not the destination. There was a very special man in my life that I need to thank for Loving me and caring enough to save my life. He was right - pain pills are the devil. And there is a friend I need to thank that has become a true friend - one that has been my angel from above. Unfortunately, I am afraid I have already begun paying the consequences of losing the people I loved the most in my life - my children, my lover & best friend, my parents, my family and friends. Today, I pray the Lord wipes my tears away as I face losing custody of my three children. There is no pain compared to the pain of losing a child. I am exhausted, tired of fighting - But giving up is not an option even though my heart feels like its holding on by shreds. I have made some poor choices forcing the best man I have ever known out of my life, that I will forever love until the end, in which my heart will always belong to him. I pray for forgiveness from the loved ones I hurt or destroyed. Its painful to look back at our choices through the lens of regret and feel the weight of our failures. May our choices today not result in regret, but rather be wise and God-honoring.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Mar 2014 06:51:31 +0000
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