Good Morning, As some of you may know, I have been in a dark place. Well, it seems the only person who saw me through my toughest times after my diagnosis. The one who “loved me anyway”, has decided I’m too much, and wants to sever our relationship. Or at least modify it so that they can make sense of their own life. So, as I accept my husband’s death in 2006, I find I am now loosing that love also. This will be tough and I don‘t feel tough. This person encouraged me to get well, and at the moment I don’t feel grateful. I could, and perhaps should have died when my husband did. It now feels like everything after that has been excess, unneeded and superfluous. I know my feelings are overblown, I know this in my head not my heart. (And there is a chance they are just having growing pains.) I don’t feel safe. I don’t even know that I want to feel safe. I suspect this will hurt a lot. But the worst that can happen is I will go numb. I have to think about a life that is just about me. And I wonder if that is a life I want this late in the game. Codependent? Yes. Completely dependent? Perhaps? It is time to turn it over. I wonder if I can put on foot in front of the other and figure this one out. For now, I will “double down” my self care, though at this moment I don’t know what that looks like. There will be sacrifices to be made. I have different life to consider. I guess it will be time to once again find out who my friends are; and if my current goals are enough. I will hold out for the possibility that there is good in this and that I will find it. Find a new way. Find what makes me tick again. Be Well
Posted on: Tue, 09 Jul 2013 09:35:13 +0000