Good evening- I am not sure where this post will lead. Please know I am not giving up and that is not what this post is about! But as this new year has already started its a hard battle for me! (Tears are already starting!). I promised when I started this page to share it all. Good bad and ugly! I have high hopes for this year. I am hoping for good news and of course my miracle! But as this year has approached I am sad. Sad beyond belief at time. I know no one can tell me how long I will be here and to be honest I dont want to know. But I had one dr tell me 5 10 15 years. I said 15 years and he said I dont think even that long!!! No matter how hard I try to push those thought out they stay. So as everyone is celebrating this new year all I think is thats one year down!! I dont want to die and I dont want my family to have to live without me! So I have been fighting those horrible thoughts. I am beyond thankful for each day and the blessings I get each day. I thank God everyday!! I also fight with the fact its a new year and our insurance changed. So as of right now I dont have as good of insurance. (It will change again in March for the better) I have all new deductibles to meet and the percentage the insurance dont cover. I am freaking out about being able to pay for it all. God has provided for us this far and I know he will still but I do at times think maybe I should slow down on my appointments but then I know thats my death wish. But I cant stand the thought of stressing my family. Please know I am not asking for help I am just sharing what I have been worried about lately. I havent posted a lot lately because I feel like what I want to share people will twist around. I can not speak for all cancer patients I can only speak about my own thought and feelings. So far this is what its been this year. I know I will get my big girl panties on and get all this negative out of my mind. It just takes time. I am also due to go back to CTCA next Monday but right now my labs are not good enough. So I am asking for prayers for my hemoglobin to go up and my platelets. This is a big appointment for me. I am getting scans and chemo! I am very nervous about the scan. I always get nervous. Please know that I am choosing to share everything with you guys. Please know that the ONLY thing I am asking for is PRAYERS!! I want to thank everyone for standing behind me on this journey. I have been down before and I will pick myself up. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I love you all! So far this year has been a little hard on me but I dont and wont let it take over my everyday life! Thanks for reading and the prayers!! 💚️Tara
Posted on: Wed, 14 Jan 2015 03:38:00 +0000