Good evening and here is the news from BFN. PROFIT WARNING Help for Heroes, today issued a profit warning as the occupation of Afghanistan drew to an end. The charity that is wholeheartedly supported by the tabloids is said to be “deeply concerned” at the withdrawal. “we have several high flying directors and a CEO whose huge salaries could be affected” said a spokesman in fully army camouflage who was barely visible against a background of undergrowth “Our very existence is under threat unless we get involved in some sort of conflict very soon.” Pausing briefly to grin inanely whilst pointing at a plastic medal pinned to his chest he went on to say “we have been upping our campaign of posting people outside branches of Iceland and Farm Foods and shouting at them when they walk past but we need to do more.” “We’re hoping that our special friends on the other side of the pond will demand we get involved somewhere or other, and we’re doing our best to encourage the government to increase tensions in Gibraltar. Invading Spain could do wonders. We continue to provoke the Argentinians about The Falklands. To be brutally frank though, anything would do at this point.” WOOTTON BASSETT GOES INTO RECEIVERSHIP Following unprecedented years of boom, the town in Wiltshire has gone into receivership. “it’s shocking” said a local publican and hotelier. “In the glory days, we did a roaring trade in ploughman’s lunches, Thai green curry or the more traditional scampi and chips, and we had an occupancy of well over 98%. They really were hand-rubbing-with-glee days.” He went on to say “but look at the place now. Hardly anyone comes and we’ve resorted to doing two meals for £7.50 just to keep the microwaves from ceasing up.” Elsewhere the local gift shop is holding a closing down sale. “It’s really sad.” Said the owner “at one time we could sell anything with a Union flag on it. Joke turds, rings that squirt water, whoopee cushions. You name it, if it had a Union flag on it, it would sell like a hot cake. As long as it was cheap, tacky and tasteless with a union flag on it, it would sell. People would be queuing out of the door to buy the stuff and then stand at the side of the road hoping to get on TV” The local florist is also set to close down. “Gone are the days that people would buy expensive bouquets and throw them on the road” “our overheads have overtaken the undertakings and we’re shutting up the shutters. There was a glimmer of hope when the Syria crisis intensified, but unfortunately the politicians listened to the people and refused to support military intervention. That was the nail in our coffin” TERRORST THREAT UNCOVERED US Unintelligence is today warning that there is a certified threat on fluffy kittens, puppy dogs with big soft eyes and other cute and furry animals in the UK. The threat has been pinpointed as coming from an as yet unspecified oil rich country with lots of sand. In a phone call intercepted by Angela Merkel, it was revealed that the US Unintelligence is demanding invasion by UK troops and is threatening to withhold new episodes of top US TV shows unless the UK complies. LOCAL NEWS Blinkered man rushed to hospital for second time within 24 hours. A hospital spokesman said that a 34 year old man with a high pitched voice was in a stable condition after walking into a telephone box and a garden wall. “He is being treated for head injuries, severe bruising and a ruptured testicle” And that was the news from the Brutally Frank newsdesk. My name is Timothy Shortsight. goodnight
Posted on: Wed, 29 Oct 2014 18:17:24 +0000
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