Good morning. I have made it through another 6 days of hospitalization, and treatment and will be discharged to go home today. I have a clear mind to write and want to share my thoughts. Treatment went very well this time, and extra measures were added to decrease some of the side effects I had last time, as well as after I got home. I truly have to take this one day at a time as every day is different. I truly have no consistency in my life, so more like one minute at at time is actually more like it. I wanted to address my Sisters most recent post with my own words. My family and closest friends have watched my daily battle with my illness, and my personal life. They have listened to me tell them that it too is part of my journey and it greatly affects my health. I have struggled with extreme emotional and mental pain, and it too is needed to be discussed and shared. Unfortunately it is part of my journey, and am learning, part of manys. I am a very straightforward, real person who does not wish to hide behind any façade, and when asked for support, feels the need to be truthful with exactly what I need. With that said, I am hurt. I am very hurt, and my most desperate need for prayer along with healing is for healing of my heart. This is nothing but pure truth. My Sister wanted to lift that burden off of me and share it for me. I think she did a great job sharing my heart and the truth and just letting it be known. That is what I have needed for a very long time. If you are on this journey with me and can handle truth, that is what I will be presenting. Those who do not want to hear it, have already left this group. That is okay with me. This is my journey, my truth and I cannot live any differently. And I thank every single one of you that takes time to support me in any way. I say this all the time, but you cannot win Cancer without genuine support. Any tiny thing that is done is felt beyond ways anyone can comprehend, because I live my life daily seeking the good and the love around me and cherishing it. My life has been forced into appreciating everything and not regretting. God has spoken to me through this week in the people he has brought to me, and the quiet time I have had. I am fighting for my life. I honestly have not put that fight first. I have discounted the words fighting for your life. I have not been putting myself first in anything to truly fight for my life. It is an awareness I have had, that was needed. My hurt will be here, and I will have to work on facing truth and awareness to heal. But I will put my fight for my life and me first. I have to. If I dont, I have nothing. I am not ready to accept that reality. I could say that I have lost control of everything in my life, and I am literally surviving on every level, and it is true. Health, finances, emotions and my mind. But the one thing I know that is solid is my Spiritual life. And this truth has remained from the day I was born, and I will still claim it now. I spent several hours with Cari here talking about my faith, and in tears, not even knowing why I am crying telling her my thoughts. I still cant explain why I cried. I am not normally teary when I am sure of something. But the bottom line, is that I have to go through this. All of this. And my heart is beyond broken. That is the truth and it should be known. But I know that God continues to be there for me, has plans specifically for me, not to harm me and to give me HOPE. And I know He will be found when I seek Him. So this is what I have left right now, and where I will begin rebuilding.
Posted on: Thu, 30 Oct 2014 12:49:43 +0000
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