Good morning friends, Last night my daughter and I watched an amazing film called, Boyhood https://youtube/watch?v=Ys-mbHXyWX4 It is an amazing story of a young boy growing up with a single parent and his older sister over a twelve year period. There was nothing remarkable that this family did other than live their lives. Lives that many of us SPs can relate to on one level or another. Watching a film that was made over 12 years is incredible. It sparked a conversation with my now eleven year old daughter. She looked at me and said, Mum you shouldnt worry to much about me not having a dad in my life, Ive never had one so I dont know the difference. We talked about why I havent married again or even really dated in over eleven years. She was asking the questions so I answered her openly and honestly. I have been afraid of making the wrong choice in men and bringing drama in our lives. I told her. She just smiled and gave me a hug and we went about our business. I noticed the rest of the night she was somehow different–more loving and cuddly. It made me think and I started to do some research about getting back in the game. I found a few great articles and put together some good advice for us all. How to Know When Youre Ready to Date Whether youre six months post-divorce or six years, there is no right time to start dating. Perhaps a better question than when, is why. Why do you want to start dating? What are you looking to find? What needs are you looking to fill? Sometimes, the voids in your life may be better filled in ways other than dating. If you want a night out, call your mates. If you want to feel wanted, volunteer. If youre looking to get your heart pounding, try some cardio. Expecting dating to meet all your needs is unrealistic and might attract people who arent right for you, this is my fear! We the SP, must do the inside work to get really clear about our wants, needs, values and beliefs and get in touch with our intuition. Finding the Time Once youve decided that youre ready to date, it might feel impossible to find the time. And SPs need to consider that this may be true. However, time with friends, time spent on activities that dont include kids or work, and time alone are all important. If you dont have time for these, your schedule may be too busy to fit dating in -- for now. If you want to date, youll have to make time in your life for it. Its important to engage your village, friends, family who can support you with time-sharing and babysitting. Parents who have a shared custody agreement may have evenings without the kids that they can use to schedule dates. Dont have shared custody or family or friends in the area, then a good friend could help you out. Where to Look Dating has changed and so have you. Youre older now, wiser, and have kids to consider. You cant date the same way now as you did in your twenties. Since hitting the bars is out, start by dating for friends. Look for people who like to do the same things as you do. MeetUp is a great resource and a great starting place. They offer a casual group setting and regularly scheduled meet-ups, and allow you to do something while youre getting to know the other person. Fling vs. Ring Whether youre looking for a fling, a ring, or something in between, remember that dating is part of the journey, not a means to an end. Youve already had kids the big day perhaps, so there should be no rush to the altar again. Dont focus on finding the one; concentrate on meeting new people, developing new friendships, and having fun. How much should I share? Its worth being upfront about the fact you have kids. No date likes to be surprised by that info later on. Other than that; save the details about your children, your custody arrangements and your ex for when you know the person better. Instead, focus on topics that are easy to discuss and help you learn about each other. Telling the Kids Though you may be excited about a new relationship, be extra cautious about sharing this information with your kids. The children may already feel they lost one parent in the divorce; you dont want to put them through another loss if this relationship ends. Its also important to consider the age and personality of your children. As kids get older, you may choose to share more casual details about your new partner. For younger kids its often best to start by introducing the idea that you have a new friend who you like to spend time with. When youre finally ready for the first meeting, start with a casual group activity your kids enjoy, like a picnic at a park with friends who have kids. If you do break up with someone your kids have already gotten to know, try to explain it to younger children in terms theyll understand. Relating it to friendships your child may have had. Talk about how we meet people we like and as we get to know each other better we get to decide if we still want to be friends. No matter what the age of the child, avoid a detailed account of why you broke up. Your kids deserve an explanation, but shouldnt be your confidants. Sleepovers? Hmmm, I think one should hold off as long as possible. Its best to do it when the kids are not in your custody or are at a friends house. A good rule of thumb is to do a morning after gut check. How would you feel if your kids came into your bedroom in the middle of the night with this person sleeping over? If you can comfortably answer your childs questions and tend to their needs with that person lying in bed next to you, then maybe youre on the way to some slumber parties. If not, you can find other creative ways to make time for intimacy. I hope that helps and makes the thought of dating as a single parent a little bit easier. Check out the film and have a happy day!
Posted on: Sun, 02 Nov 2014 21:46:19 +0000
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