Good morning my beautiful boy. I know Mom hasn’t written in a while. Please never think that I didn’t think about you, because there literally has not been one minute of any day that I have thought about anything but you. I know there are a lot of people who worry about me. I would be lying if I said I was o.k., because I am anything but o.k.. Losing a child is the hardest pain any person should ever have to endure, but to lose a child, your only child, to suicide has to be the ultimate sacrifice any one person will ever face in their lifetime. You can cut yourself, break an arm or fall out of a tree … go the doctor … take some meds and in a few days, you start to feel better. There is absolutely nothing anyone or anything can do to make me feel better. The old saying … You don’t know what you have until it’s gone … is somewhat true in our case. I did know what I had in you. I pray you know how much I love you and that I would have done anything for you. I told you every time we were together how proud I was of you and how beautiful you are, but now ask myself was that enough? Did I say it enough? Did I do enough? Did you truly believe me? Now you’re gone to me in the physical sense and until my dying day, I will never stop asking myself those questions. How could I? People say I was a good mother because I raised a good son. I appreciate those kind words, but sure would love to hear you tell me. I will never stop missing you or loving you and I somewhat have accepted that your leaving us, in some sort of insane way, has to be part of God’s plan, but then I say why you? A smart, handsome, loving, caring, hard working, fun, crazy kid, who never wanted anything out of life other than to work hard, play hard and enjoy the finer things life had to offer. Then I watch the news on those three boys who shot and killed that one kid over weed. How will the parents of those kids go on living knowing that their sons will spend the rest of their young lives behind bars. I ask myself … what if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Would I rather that? I say No! Every time I hear a siren I used to get so worried and want to pick up the phone and call you to make sure you were o.k.. Now when I hear a siren, as crazy as it may sound, I somehow find inner peace knowing you are safe and nothing or no one will ever hurt you again. People say I need to find a way to go on living or at least to live without you. I say it’s more I need to find a way to “exist” because living for me in the mental state as I once knew life to be, is gone and always will be. Like your Aunt Diane Marousek said “When you left, you took me with you” and she’s right. I died when you did and there’s nothing that will change that ever. I went to Grainne’s wedding ceremony yesterday but simply could not find the strength or better said “Courage” to attend her reception. Before losing you, I would have been dancing on the tables, shoes off, hair crazy, tipsy as all get out, but last night, after the ceremony, I went to Grandmas, had coffee, came home and went to bed. At last time check … it was 4:30 and I still couldn’t sleep. The thought of you kneeling at that alter with your bride was all I could think about. How you would have been laughing at the Priests’ jokes and how you would have gotten all crazy at your reception. How we all would have been laughing with you … not at you … and thinking to ourselves “Wow, that kid is nuts, but he’s so damn precious”. I imagine Aunt Diane Swiderski and I just rolling our eyes as we often did when the subject of you would come up and we would just laugh because any reminder of you makes us smile. We would always say “Oh God Love Him”, and now I ask that in the physical sense. God ... love my son. I love you sweetheart more than ever. Have a heavenly Day. Love, Mom
Posted on: Sat, 08 Jun 2013 16:09:58 +0000
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