Gordon & Jigsaw: A One Act Play JIGSAW KILLER Gordon, it’s time to wake. [GORDON RAMSAY awakes from a chemically induced daze. As his vision unevenly comes back, he find himself restrained in a hospital bed in a dimly lit and grungy room. Before him sits a two-foot-tall demonic looking clown.] RAMSAY What—what is this— JIGSAW KILLER This is your fate, Gordon. You have led a dark life. You have stood in judgment of others, and now it is time for you to be judged. RAMSAY What? JIGSAW KILLER You have laughed at those with inferior cooking skills. You have bullied those in your kitchen. You have been accused of creative editing in your reality shows, bordering on the dishonest. RAMSAY Is this some kind of joke? You can’t be serious. JIGSAW KILLER You have made hundreds of choices that have affected people’s lives for the worse. Now it is time for you to make your biggest choice of all. You will see the IV tube connected to your arm. Those bags are not your normal electrolyte fluid. Inside is a saline solution strong enough to brine a pig. Now you must choose whether to experience being dehydrated from the inside out, just as you have done yourself many times to meats and poultries; or, you can choose— RAMSAY Oh, I choose the injection. Let me have it. JIGSAW KILLER You. . . . You haven’t heard your other choice. RAMSAY It’s no matter. I want the brine injection. Yeah. It sounds delicious. JIGSAW KILLER (takes two beats) I don’t think you understand. It will torture you to death. RAMSAY No, it sounds like just the right amount of seasoning to really hold in my moisture and bring out the flavors. It sounds absolutely delicious. JIGSAW KILLER Well, OK. Hmmm. Here, you shall feel the pain your have inflicted on others. RAMSAY Wonderful. Oh. Uh. Ouch. No, that feels bad. No that isn’t right. JIGSAW KILLER Your arrogance has caught up with you, Gordon. You will now— RAMSAY This feels awful. And bland. How much salt did you put in there? JIGSAW KILLER Um. Well, um. For every gallon of water, I used a little under a cup of salt. RAMSAY Ah. But—ouch— which brand did you use? JIGSAW KILLER Diamond Crystal. RAMSAY Are you trying to kill me? Diamond Crystal is less dense, you donkey. If you’re using it you have to adjust. Morton salt would be fine at that volume. But with Diamond Crystal that’s not enough. Ouch. No. Ow. JIGSAW KILLER What does it matter? RAMSAY My blood is saltier than this brine injection, and so I’m being overloaded with water. The osmosis is sucking the salt out of me. You’ve ruined the balance in my system. JIGSAW KILLER Oh. Um. Hahahaha. Well, then. You shall perish fittingly. Poetic justice. RAMSAY What a terrible way to go. It’s so bland.
Posted on: Tue, 02 Sep 2014 04:13:56 +0000
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