Great tips from psychologist Dr John Irvine on how to manage your rebellious teenager. STEP ONE - change your attitude - instead of tryng to use power control (bribes, punishments, grounding, supervision, rewards, orders, pleading, blackmail), try to shift more and more over to their own STEP TWO - change your behaviour - instead of nagging them about what they should do, do what you can do. For instance instead of nagging them about putting clothes in the laundry basket or they wont be washed, just consistnetly wash only what is in the laundry basket or maybe even let them wash their own. STEP THREE - change your communication style from questions and accusations (eg why dont you put your clothes in the laundry basket! to personal position statements I will wash only whats in the laundry basket). That is, replace accusation of others with assertion of self STEP FOUR - change your position from control to consequences. For instance, instead of nagging about homework, deliberately reflect responsibility back to them and build in a review with the year cooordinator to see if theyre handling it OK. If so, congratulate and trust, if not then have a three way discussion (with teenager and teacher) about what the problem is and what the ;aon of action will be, at all times trying to keep the teenager at the helm in taking responsibility for their own lif. STEP FIVE - change your discipline style - take a stand on your own values and issues. For instance if they wont cooperate, or mistreat your belongings, or talk rudely etc then follow the following: 1. negotiate an agreement 2. Insist with persistence 3. Take action - in a way that can be carried out 4. Arrange a limited strike - Im tired of dong this and not getting the help so I wont be washing your gear till I get your cooperation STEP SIX - change your expectations - all teenagers go through tough times, most kids come through as well as we did (or didnt) so focus as much as you can on the good side if you want more of it - kids tend to live up or down to our expectations. And just in case youre wondering whether its all worth the effort, a recent study from the US suggests parental involvement in kids lives is one of two key factors in teenagers avoiding major problem behaviours. The study, published in the December issue of the American Journal of Public Health, (as reported in the Sydney Morning Herald on 9 December 2000) drew on interviews with 10,800 teenagers in grades 7 to 12, and their parents. Contrary to popular belief, being poor, a member of a minority group or from a single parent household were not reliable predictors of problem behaviour. Instead, a lot of unstructured free time and the kind of activities their peers commonly engaged in gave better clues. Commenting on these findings the US Surgeon-General, Dr David Satcher, said the study contradicted conventional thinking about what causes teenagers to have problems.These findings tell us that if we want to help children avoid dangerous behaviours, we need to find out whats going on in their lives, he said. In our busy lives it is a fact that parents are spending less time with their children than at any time in recent history. Thats not good for kids of any age. As they say, child control by remote control is no control. Dr John Irvine.
Posted on: Tue, 20 May 2014 03:27:41 +0000
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