Grief is an emotion we experience when we have lost someone. We grieve the loss of jobs or money, we grieve death, and we grieve sometimes when our lives are stagnant. I was always very comfortable with this emotion, because of working in a nursing home. I never thought for a second that I would experience a grief so great and so life changing that it would literally stop the world around me and change my life. On November 26, 2012 Luke was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. I remember the doctor telling us that Luke was in bad shape, and HLHS is the most serious heart defect there can be. I tried so hard to hold everything in, but I cried in that moment. I cried until I had no more tears left. After saying goodbye to Luke in the hospital as I left my baby there for the transport team of childrens mercy to arrive and take him to KC. I thought to myself. My child may not live. He may never get to go to school, play sports, or even grow up with his brothers, and know all the love they had for him. When we finally got to see him I thought there he is and while I had so much grief for what might have been, I was flooded with hope for what was. Still to this day I grieve but with this grief is hope----SO MUCH hope. This is all I know right now. I have a handsome brown eye big eyelash 2 year old boy that I adore. I stay at home with him, and I really love being a stay at home mom. Luke is funny. He is starting to learn new things like crawling, walking, standing, pulling himself up. He is slowing working on eating by mouth. He loves just about anything to eat, but ice cream and chocolate are his favorite.He loves it when you read to him and he even turns the pages by himself. I know this little boy is sick and he has more surgeries in his future but we have been given orders to live our life ,and that is a pretty good reason to have hope. I pray every night that Luke will outlive me. So while I anticipate grief that I will feel tomorrow, and every day after that, I anticipate a whole lot of hope. I anticipate Luke growing up with his older brothers. I anticipate Luke growing up and being best basketball player in this town. (since it is his favorite sport)I anticipate Luke graduating high school, and finishing college. I anticipate Luke getting married, and me having some awesome grandchildren. Its hard to write about hope in this world where I live everyday afraid of what might be. However, I have hope that Luke will live a long and happy life. Its not in a world where we choose to exist in which we most often thrive. But rather a world is chosen for us and we somewhat unintentionally bloom in this world. For what its worth HLHS is a beautiful place to bloom. Yes, I know in this world of HLHS there is a lot of grief but there is so much HOPE!
Posted on: Mon, 26 Jan 2015 04:38:40 +0000
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