Guys, I am so sorry I am not on often. At all. I hate making excuses, but I feel as though someone needs to know the truth, and none of you know me. (Except Mrs.Killings, but I dont care if she knows at this point.) The people who mean the most to me, are either mad at me or always busy. One, is mourning. And I dont know how to start a conversation with her. The others are always busy. I wouldnt know how to start a conversation with them either. I have been lonely, and depressed. I am letting my demons get the best if me. I hate my reflection. My forehead is broken out, and dry because of the stuff I put on it for the breakout. Every time I look in the mirror I am disgusted with myself. I miss my long hair, my happy eyes. My hair went to my butt when I was younger. I liked it, a lot. I feel as though I keep gaining weight and I have even started calling myself fat. No one in my family knows. No one will know what to do. I know this from experience. (My lovely cousin) I feel as though I am alone. My parents live in their car outside of my grandparents house, where I have lived since 2010. My father could die at any second, but refuses to go to the hospital because he has no insurance, although we tell him to go to the ER. My mother is a past drug addict, and I think she still does them. She tries to act happy, but I see in her eyes she isnt. I have read a note from her doctor, unintentionally. She has depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and something else. She also once told my dad that she thought about suicide a few times. As have I. But I stay here, waiting for it all to get better. It all keeps getting worse. I think my grandpa knows I am sad, and I havent argued with him in a while. I always so tired, but its so hard to sleep in this house. I dont trust the people. I know they wouldnt hurt me, but I live in fear that one day something will. Paranoia? I am not sure. Honestly, I have been tempted to pick up a blade a lot lately, but I refrain, no matter how difficult. I wont let myself. I dont know why, but I just cant allow myself to be happy. I want to, more than anything, but I cannot. I still put up the happy face in front of people, but not by choice. I want to tell someone, but I cant. I have lost who I am, who I was, who I want to be. I have no idea where I am going. I have no idea who I am. My cousin ran away last Saturday, came back Sunday although she wasnt planning on it. She has a court date, and could e taken away for our family. I am partly to blame for her running. I said some things to her that I regretted instantly, but I couldnt swallow my pride and apologize until after he came back. I couldnt do it to her face, either. I had to text her. I have failed as a cousin, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and I am not proud. I am disgusted with myself. I am sorry I said all of this. I just needed to get it out. Thank you, if you read this. #Nightmare
Posted on: Wed, 23 Oct 2013 02:25:20 +0000
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