HELP!!! Laying here awake....again. I think of the first time they laid him in my arms. I was so scared. So I prayed. I ask God for the instructions he forgot to send with my new little toy and ask him to please not let me mess up. I told him I needed help. I remember the first time he cried after I got him home and I remember thinking oh God, please dont do that I dont understand that language and I have no idea what you want. So I prayed. Um God can you send those instructions priority mail, just drop them on down here? something??? I need help. His first day of school, I was more scared than him. But i remember telling him his teacher will tell him everything he needs to do. I said lets say a prayer and thank Jesus for your teacher and ask him to guide her all year so she can help you learn everything you need to know....as I walked away from the school i prayed, I cant do this. I cant give them my baby that many hours a day, lord, I need help. As he learned to drive, I remember the first time I took him to the parking lot at school, he was doing so good! I was so proud of how fast he was catching on, then all of a sudden he slammed the brakes, about threw us both through the windshield but then he calmly took his phone out of his pocket and started texting. I still in panic mode and trying to get out of the truck said (sorry for the word but) Dylan, what the hell is wrong with you?? What are you doing?? He calmly replied, you told me not to text and drive and somebody sent me a message. I prayed again Dear God, I need help! Becoming a soldier, a Marine, was all he ever talked about and I think thats why we never had any trouble out of him. He made the decision to defend our country at such a young age that he lived every day like he was already a soldier. He made us proud. But even though Ive known for years he would join, and even though he was the most excited of his entire life, the day he left for MEPS and was sworn in, I cried. I prayed Lord I cant let him go. I need help. As I spend day after day in a whirlwind trying to make all the arrangements, trying to make this funeral perfect for him, and the nights I spend sleeping an hour or so then, I read, I try to reply to as many text and messages from everyone as I can, but mostly I pray. I tell God that I know I have made mistakes. I know I have failed but please forgive me. Please be with me through this, I dont understand and I need help!! I realize I am one of the sick ones too! One of the ones that needs more time in the hospital ( church) so that I can talk to our great and mighty physician. (God) I pray because I am hurting, I am confused, I am torn apart so deeply that I alone cant fix myself. I need help! I realize that the world we live in is cruel, sick, and satan controlled. But as real as that is I know that because I am saved, Ive been redeemed, and soon he will come back for us, he will apologize for never getting me those instructions I begged him for so many times!! He will take me to my daddy, to my son!! To all those i love and miss so much, we will be in the perfect place, together, and I will realize that even though I never got those instructions, he was always there to help.
Posted on: Thu, 15 Jan 2015 10:42:13 +0000
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