HOW I TURNED MY BACK ON CHRISTIANITY So many wonder, who I am, who I was, how I became who now i am. I will help you find the answers you seek. This is one step in that direction. Heres a note a wrote sometime ago July 2011. RAGE AT THE ONE WHO DECEIVED ME July 31, 2011 at 1:01pm Why did I ever desire something more with you? Why did I ever let you deceive me? I was doing so beautifully before you came my way. I had always known you. We never had conflicts. In fact, I even did like you a lot. Things had been so sweet and uncomplicated. Till the day you approached me. You said you wanted something deeper. You said you loved me. I was so scared of being with you. I had seen how much pain had come the way of those who walked this path before. You said I had nothing to fear. That you would always be by my side. You filled my mind with promises. And whispered the sweetest things into my ears. You painted a picture of a future so glorious and perfect. You said it wasn’t going to be an easy ride getting to that destination I desired, but that you would be there every step of the way. I had weighed my options. I had counted the cost. And I had plunged into the ride and chosen to be with you. I had always desired fame and fortune and fun. I had always wanted to partake of the beautiful things life had to offer. But that hadn’t been my reason for coming to you. Of course, I was doing so beautifully. I didn’t need you to be someone great. I was already such a happy person. So many ceaselessly admired and desired to be like me. Everyone attested to the fact that I was made for big things. That I was already on the road to glory. I could have done it without you. Forget all the lies those who love you peddle that no one can achieve their dreams without your help. That is simply not true. So many have achieved extraordinary feats without your help. In fact most of those who’ve become great did it without any special help from you. Of course, many of them acknowledged your existence, like I had always done. But they also knew that our destiny lay primarily in our hands. I knew all these. I knew that being with you could disrupt my ambitions. I knew I would have to give up so many things for you. It wasn’t logical to make such a choice. But I had made it. Because I loved you. I came to you, not seeking money or greatness, but simply to make you smile. I always desired to please you. I was wlling to do almost anything so long as it would make you happy. And I desired to help as many as possible also come to know you... This being because I thought that knowing you was the sweetest thing one could ever do... How wrong I was! I knew the road was going to be difficult. But I held on to the promise you made me that no matter what came my way, I would never lack these 3 things: Righteousness, Peace and Joy. But you lied to me. I’ve never known more distress than the one being with you has brought me. I was always so sweet and adorable. But now you’ve taken the sunshine out of my life. You’ve made my life so dreary and gloomy. You’ve filled me with more pain than I could possibly imagine. And you broke your promise to me. You took away my Peace and Joy. People always knew me as someone so glad and bright with such a zest for living. If only they knew the pain you made me keep inside. If only they knew that I had gone on for years with happiness almost totally absent from my life. Of course I had to always put up a smile. I had to speak in glowing terms about you and the wonders you bring. Yet deep down within, I knew I was being economical with the truth. Of course, it was done in the hope that the storm would pass. That the cloud would be lifted. But you had deceived me. And now, you turned me into a deceiver. No one would say I never sought for your help. Endlessly, I cried at your feet, asking you to take the pain away. Asking that you restore the melody and sunshine you had deprived me of for so long. Each time, you asked me to be patient. That I should just hold on a little longer. That I was at the very edge of breakthrough. That I had gone too far to give up when victory was so close. But I said to you: “You promised I would always have Peace and Joy. Why then have you taken these away from me?” You said mine was a rare and special exception. You said you had a great purpose in mind. That I was being prepared for an extraordinary assignment, and so required extraordinary training. That my lack of happiness was because I was being prepared to bring happiness to others. I had believed you. I had held on with every strength you were willing to give (which was always so little). You thought me so many things I never knew and few ever knew. You unveiled to me truths so powerful, they could change the world. You gave me wisdom so extraordinary, I was far ahead of my time. And you unleashed in me abilities so great, that anyone who had such could accomplish feats so exceptional. But what was the point of giving me all these if they did me no good? Why were you always in a hurry to teach me something new but prevented me from using those to help myself and others? Why did I know more than many people will ever know in a lifetime, and yet none of all I knew or was able to do was allowed to bring me gladness? I would teach things to people (when they cared to listen), they would apply them, and they would record astonishing triumphs. And yet you deprived me of the strength to do those same things for myself. And hence, you made me an object of scorn... How would I ever believe that a time would come in which those I did so much for would turn around and spite me? But yet, you made it happen. You made me do things the world couldn’t understand. You said you had a plan in mind. And you made me an object of ridicule and scorn. People I once cared for and loved now turn around to treat me like dirt. At best, they stay away from me. At worst, they paint me black behind my back. Few ever make any effort to connect with me. Instead they give a dog a bad name in other to hang it. Even those who should have known and done better. What did I ever do to you? I always loved you. All I ever wanted was to bring you joy. All I ever sought for was to bring others to you. Was it so wrong? Was loving you so evil? Why then do you ruin all that matters to me? Why did you ruin the relationships I cherished? Why have you made me a source of pain to the ones I love? Why have you used me to bring sorrow to those who love me? I had thought you would make me a bringer of glad tidings. But now, all I am is a messenger of sorrow. You teach me so much about love. Yet you make me hurt the very ones I love. And the ones who should love me are nowhere to be found when I need them... I was always so independent. I could make it by doing my own thing. I loved people. I did a lot for others even when they didn’t deserve it. I sought the help of others when required. But I was dependent on no one. I considered what people thought about me, but not so much. I had a will of my own. No one could hurt me. Why then did you make me so vulnerable? I was so strong. Why then did you make me so weak? You said you didn’t want me being too independent of your people. You taught me to need them. You said that was the way you wanted things to be. You taught me to be humble. I learnt to submit even to those below me. I had insulated my heart from needing anyone’s love. But you broke down those barriers. And you made me vulnerable. And so, when before, I could easily get by without anyone’s affection, now I needed it. Just as I was doing so much for others, shouldn’t you have raised up others to do some things for me? I never required so much. Just a little occasional show of affection. Just a little encouragement. Just some appreciation. I was willing to move heaven and earth to assist the ones I loved. Why then were so few willing to move even a hill for me? And now you’ve done me one more disservice. You’ve drained the life from my heart. You’ve made me cold to most feelings. The little things that once made me glad have now ceased to hold any thrill for me. The occasional nice things others do for me no longer stir up my heart like before. Of course, in my head, I’m grateful to them, and externally, I present a facade of gratitude. But within, my heart is unmoved. And by so doing, you’ve made me less human. Now, hardly can I enjoy anything beautiful. And thanks to you, while trying so hard to find happiness, I’ve lost the righteousness you promised me would always be there. My normally soft heart has been hardened. And now, the monster in me has finally been unleashed. (Who knows, maybe that’s what you always wanted). Therefore I no longer give a damn what you think or what your people think. Now I’m breaking free of the sorrow and the pain and the shame. Now I’m throwing away all those shackles that once held me courtesy of the one who had promised to set me free. Now I’ve let go of my fear. Of hurting you. Of what people would say. I’m taking back my life from your hands. I gave it in trust that you would make it better. But you’ve made a royal mess of it. Of course I can’t deny the fact that the time spent in your crucible has made me an exceptional person. If only those among whom I walk had even the slightest idea of who it is who was or is with them. The abilities you’ve helped me develop are mindboggling. The knowledge, experiences and wisdom I’ve accumulated courtesy of you are groundbreaking. And the talents I’ve developed are impressive. And so, I wish to express my deepest and most profound gratitude for the altitude which you’ve helped me attain. But what is power without love? And what is wealth without happiness? I was willing to let you do all those things to me because I loved people and believed that by so doing I could be of service to so many. But I now realize that I no longer love people that much Of course, I’ll still be willing to move heaven and earth to put a smile on the face of others. But I will no longer sacrifice my own happiness for your own, or that of others. At least not for long. Now I have one main reaon for doing things. Before, it was You. Now it’s Me. I’m going to use the enormous power at my disposal to pursue that which I seek which is to live life to the fullest. Of course, I will still expend a great deal of effort to further your agenda and please you. But it will now be when and where I choose to, and on my own terms. I know I still have that loving, patient and humble heart you crafted in me. These are noble and enviable qualities. And so, I’m not going to give them up. I won’t throw away the baby with the bathwater. I won’t deny the fact that even though you’ve brought me more evil, you’ve done me much good. I won’t also deny how special and important people are. After all, that’s why we are living. I’ll still treat people better than they deserve. But that is so long as it doesn’t hurt so much, and so long as it better suits my agenda. An old song once said that the secret of Joy is to put you first, others second, and ourselves last. Well that’s their opinion. Right now, for me, it’s Me first, you and others second. But I’m not also going to give up the faith I once cherished. I know enough to know that you are the Way. But if believing this is all that is required to be on the right way, then that’s the best I will do. But I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me. You’ve taken so much from me even when I desired otherwise. But now I’ll deny you of the two things you cannot take by force. They are mine to give. And I’m not giving them to you. My Will, and My Love... My Will will belong to me. But my love will be given as and when and to whom I choose to give it. Sometimes you’ll get it. But some other times you won’t. I know I’m about to have the time of my life. My heart beats in anticipation of all the thrill and satisfaction ahead of me. However, I just had to write this so that no one will ask me stupid questions seeking for an explanation and pretending to care when they don’t. But don’t worry, I’ll stay out of trouble. I know the pitfalls to avoid. I’m not asking you to totally withdraw your hand from my life. Of course, if you were to do so, none of us would survive because in you we live and move and have our being. I still desire and need your blessings. All I ask is that you stop interfering. Right now, I want to run the show. I’ll still thank you for every good thing that comes my way. I’ll still acknowledge you in all I do. I’ll still occasionally identify with the things and the people that matter to you. But it would be when I want to. I know one day, I will decide that I miss the pain of being with you in a strange way. This I’m sure of because you are now so intricately interwoven with me. I know I will always have some love for you. I know we will one day hook up together again. And we may even joke and laugh about this day and other days gone by. But I also know one more thing. That I’m no longer going to come after you. I’ve done that for so long at such great personal cost without finding what I was seeking. Right now, I’m through with the seeking business. Now, whoever wants to be with me, including you, must be willing to fight for it. After all, I know that despite all my flaws, one thing I know very well how to do is to Love. And therefore, when that time comes for us to hook up together again, I won’t be the one making the move... You will be... Goodbye...
Posted on: Sat, 08 Mar 2014 05:28:36 +0000
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