HOW TO BE A GOOD POLITICIAN| Another longwinded essay by Ayo Sogunro INTRODUCTION Wait, before you dismiss this topic as an oxymoronic impossibility, try to be a bit open minded. Of course, I understand the fact that politics and politicians are not exactly the best sort of intellectual discourse, and that the very words suggest something dirty and putrid, but then who has need of physicians if not the sick? And believe me, politicians are very sick people. So this piece is about trying to find out the right sort of politician (now don’t sneer) and how to become one. WHY BE A POLITICIAN? But you probably wonder, why be a politician? Like being asked to take up a career in burglary. Even politicians don’t use that term, they called themselves, elder statesmen, public servants, regional leaders, even party chieftains, but never politicians. So how come I’m trying to convince you that politics is the next best thing to Paradise? The answer is that it is. If not better. You see when you become the right sort of politician, whole opportunities are opened before you. You get a chance to put your name in the papers, be seen on the media, get invited to functions, and even as a speaker, guest of honour, or best of all—chairperson. What will you not give to be a chairperson? And if you are a successful politician, you get a public office, a salary of six figures (or more), allocations and expenses paid trips, opportunity to inflate contracts—with great rip-offs, a fat bank account at home and abroad, a chieftaincy title, honorary doctorates and professorships, birthday congratulations in the newspapers from people you’ve never heard of, a national award, and if you die in office—a public burial. If you are really good at it, you might get some buildings or streets named after you, or a university, or the greatest of all honours—your very own face on the currency. So do you still want to avoid politics? THE MAN So what does it take to be a good politician and how do you go about it? Some people have this insane idea of an honest, upright politician whose delight is to serve the people and considers himself a servant before anything else. That’s pure nonsense, and it won’t wash in our democratic setting. The people you are trying to serve will disown you, and call you miserly and selfish, and eventually frustrate you. Instead you should be seen as a tout and a ruffian, a swindler with all appearance of a looter—then you can be sure of getting into office faster. You don’t even have to pretend to be good. People will see through you anyway. Gentlemen are not wanted, so also, religious people (pastors especially), the intellectual, career professionals (doctors, accountants, engineers, and the like, excluding lawyers), the economically successful, writers, poets, artistes, sportspeople, scientists and innovators, Nobel prize winners and the like. Now there is nothing bad about these people, they just make bad politicians, they are of better use in the ministries and government departments as underpaid civil servants, they just don’t have the brains it takes to run for public office, and to run a public office. But if you are an academic drop out, an area father, a business failure, or your business was built on illegalities, or a retired army member without any further ambition, or a former dictator, or a failing lawyer, you are exactly the kind of person needed in politics. You were made to rule this country. If you doubt it, look around and you will find your likes in almost every public office, with a few exceptions who managed to stumble into office and who will soon be impeached, anyway. HOW TO START First, you need to join a party, any party will do, although some things should be considered. If it is a ruling party, there will be a lot of people who are being owed favours, so it might take quite some time before you get anything of note, or nomination for an office. The same applies for an opposition party. A new or unknown party may not carry you far, unless you have a fiery person for a party leader, or presidential or governorship candidate, or with a member who gets assassinated, then you are sure to go places. But generally, what you need is a moderately successful party where you can shine personally and the party still has a foot in the door of power. The party’s politics or philosophy does not matter. In fact it is quite irrelevant. No sensible party sticks to an ideology, all parties have to adapt to economic and political change. The only ideology is ‘no ideology’. You should also have a capacity to change parties, easily and conveniently, without conscientious scruples. Especially if you get into office through one party, you can then cross carpet to another—so you get a double advantage. In fact it is like taking a shortcut to a bigger party. If you had joined directly before getting office, you might not have been nominated. So better to get nominated and elected on another ticket, then join the other, most likely ruling, party. You also need a godfather. Really. You are not an island, and cannot take office single-handedly. What you need is a godfather, not the people. Once you have a godfather, everything will fall into place—the campaign money, the votes and ballot boxes, and police protection. But be ye warned, when thou assumeth office, do not forget thy godfather, even if thou changest parties, remember thy obligations, and pay thy dues. For the godfather giveth, and the godfather taketh away. Next you have to look for a platform to launch from. In Nigeria, there are a lot of things to use—the roads, electricity, water, security, oil and Niger delta, education, minimum wages, labour union, fuel prices, taxes, pensions, banking sector, currency devaluation, past military rule, military comeback, the presidency, the National Assembly, the judiciary, anything, anything will do. Just get a statement about your views in the media and kick some dust, get a lawyer, a student leader, and a labour leader to express your opinions in different places, if you are more militant—you can create a public fracas to give the government a headache: a garage fight, a religious riot, strikes, step into the situation and you are on your way. Learn to make deals, swap promises, never give something for nothing, and if you can manage it, never give something for anything. As for the people, they are not bothered, if you can get some well bribed youths to cause a furore now and then, spray money at parties, donate to churches and mosques, be seen at a lot of functions, you have satisfied the people. They expect nothing better from you, and won’t believe your promises, anyway. The intellectuals and professionals will not bother you—until you get to power, in which case there is nothing they can do anymore. WHEN YOU GET TO POWER The first thing is to get a battery of lawyers, Senior Advocates especially. These are going to handle your election petitions, allegations of non-qualifications, corruption, and possible impeachment trials. You can bet that all this are coming your way—no, not from the people, I told you they can’t be bothered, but from envious and less successful fellow politicians, who will do anything in their power to unseat you. Next, you have to start planning for your re-election. Thus, you have to fulfil all your obligations to party leaders and godfathers, by putting in place their appointees and other officers, awarding contracts to them at inflated prices, and being a ‘yes’ boy as good naturedly as you can. At least you have the office. Next, start spending money, public money, as though money was going out of fashion. Spend on things which will need constant maintenance and repairs, to increase the chance of lining your pockets. But whatever you do, don’t forget the eleventh commandment—thou shall not be caught. Also, do not forget your humble beginnings, or whatever beginnings you have. Insert your friends and relatives in key positions, and obstruct the path of people who have tried to block your path too. And so shall you prosper. CONCLUSION AND WARNING But remember, in your hour of triumph, that the people can be pushed only so much. Beware, lest they wake up, come to their senses, and fight back, and pull you out of your comfortable office, and set fire to your precious mansions, and strip the clothe off your wives and children, make you a spectacle and a laughing stock, you and all politicians of your kind. For then will the eyes of the people have opened, and their fury will know no limit, and they will rise against you for your years of looting and corruption, and then shall an end be put to you and your kind. But that is still a long way off, so forget the apocalypse and let the party continue!
Posted on: Fri, 23 Aug 2013 18:37:23 +0000
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