Having Trouble Letting Go … OK mark this as one of my best days ever. Missed yoga at 9 and again at noon. Another session at 4PM … Cary and I still in the same house …. navigating uncharted territory … loving … compassionate … sad … understanding … impatient … weird. How does any couple do this mindfully? I told Cary I was going to go wandering at around 2PM and as soon as I got in the car I got a text from a friend: If youre up for a drug free psychedelic/spiritual experience this afternoon, Ill be at my office And I thought - what else do I have to lose? The first thing was she sat me in front of a painting with horizontal lines of colors sort of like HRC but blurred, artsy … and she asked me to look at a specific color eye level and tell her what I thought. I told her Im having trouble letting go. And of course I thought I knew what that meant given what Cary and I are going through. She had me look at different colors in the spectrum / painting. For each color I was asked to repeat Im having trouble letting go and then asked for additional feelings. Orange was confident, red was sad, green was familiar, blue was the color I wanted to pick - the one that felt on the edge of the horizon, but the one that wasnt scary at all. The one that felt like I was in the middle of my favorite Amilia Spicer song. Then she had me look into a black box with a light that changed color and intensity, and would sometimes act like a strobe light. She asked me to tell her when I felt like it was affecting me. When I told her - she left it like that and asked me this question: What are you trying to let go? And I said without thinking - the need to feel bad about myself I sat with my head in the black box for a long time - just following her breathing. Thinking, not thinking, understanding, crying, close to weeping, grateful for the understanding. Its time to let go. Time to let go of the feeling that Im not good enough. Time to replace it with a great benevolent unknown. I left her office without understanding how important it was going to be to me. Went straight to yoga. The room felt hotter than the normal 95 degrees. But every pose felt easier - do able, accomplishable. (I know what its like to not be good at something but still to be committed to it). I left yoga feeling like a million bucks! Came home and cooked a quick curry for Hannah and Cary. The went off to watch Goldfinger at a nearby theater with a friend from the neighborhood. My favorite scene in Goldfinger: Sean Connery wakes up from a stupor to see this stunning woman bent over him. He says who are you? She says My name is Pussy Galore He says I must be in heaven. Uhuh ...
Posted on: Sat, 08 Mar 2014 06:31:23 +0000
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