Having a mental breakdown about your self image. About what youre doing with your life. About what youre capable of, but mentally incapable of accomplishing. Is probably one of the hardest things to face on your own. Its so easy to bring yourself down and throw harsh realities into your own face. Its so easy to cry and call yourself words that youd never dream of calling yourself. Its so easy to throw yourself into the mud and lay lifeless. With no will to fight. Its so easy to do all these negative things to yourself. Why is it so hard to do the polar opposite? Why is it so hard to put a genuine smile upon your own face? Why is it that its so hard to see a glimpse of happiness in your own life? I think about all these things, all these horrible things in my life and how I havent done one single thing to make it turn for the better. I always tell myself that Im going to do something that is beyond me. Something that I would never do normally, but I never do it. So I hate myself more easily than anything because just looking on my life and what Ive done. Is beyond pathetic to me. Its so easy to look in the mirror and tell myself. youre just taking up space in this house. youre a leech. you could never be that. Youll never reach that beautiful star you stare at every night. Dealing with this for such a long time really destroys a person internally and externally. People constantly tell me You look like you dont want to be here. You look like you dont care. you look bored. are you sad? Just to hear those words, somewhere deep down inside. It kills me, because I know the reasons why I come off that way. I know the reasons why the reflection of my life, appears on my face. Its such a terrible thing to face by yourself, to bottle it all up. Only to realize how far down youve dug your own grave. I wrote this in hopes of finding inspiration in myself. That I would see all the bad things in my life and hope to strive for something better. I had hoped that realizing and facing everything head on would be the answer to my problems. Though I dont think Im there yet. I dont think Ive learned how to carry myself through all the ugly obstacles that I created for myself. Everything is so easy to grab. Though we make it so hard on ourselves. I want to move forward and overcome all obstacles, to show that Im a strong person. Just. Sometimes its too much too carry on my shoulders alone. Theres always a happy ending, it only takes a little longer for it to come to others. I just hope one day that ill eventually be able to overcome everything and find courage in myself. To conjure up bravery where I thought it didnt exist.
Posted on: Fri, 20 Jun 2014 09:05:32 +0000
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