Having depression and anxiety is something I wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. Please dont tell me that you wish you could understand what Im going through. I hope you never have to understand what it feels like. Its like someone has put out the flame from my candle of determination. Its like youre afraid of the light and all things living because you know that one day all things living must die. And you know that pain will be felt, it must be felt or it is not pain. And that is what depression is. It is the lack of determination to do your favorite things, the things you know you should be doing. And when you put that with anxiety, not only do you have no determination but also the fear of missing out. Depression paired with anxiety is like some kind of sick joke. Everything, every single little thought process is hard to manage because I know that I want to be happy and normal but Im afraid of what it will do. I cant manage to keep people around because they cant deal with me being sad and anxious. Or they just leave. They always find someone better. Someone normal. someone who doesnt think about killing themselves daily. Someone who doesnt try to commit suicide. Someone who isnt so paralyzed by fear at times to even talk. I hope you never have to understand what its like to have a mental breakdown for the stupidest things. But those stupid things matter... to you at least. I remember sitting in class, everything was normal. I dropped my pencil. That little action caused such a huge reaction. I left the room, stress crying, sad crying, embarrassed crying running to the bathroom. I stayed there for the rest of the period. Ive had so many breakdowns at school. Do you really want to understand what that feels like? Its like depression is so taboo. We all know about it, what it does to us.. But we never talk about it. Like we should be ashamed of something we have no control over. Like we chose to have this certain chemical imbalance in our brain. Maybe its not the mental illness itself we are embarrassed of but the many symptoms we have due to it. With that being said, I hope you NEVER have to understand what its like to hate your body. To absolutely despise yourself. I hope you never have to know what it feels like to be so upset that you cant eat for days. Or be so overwhelmingly jealous of someone else that you have a nervous breakdown. I hope that you can always take tests without shaking from anxiety and go out in public and have fun. Its not fun. Its not cute. Its a mental illness and its a murderer. Its already taken my life away. Im forever forced to be chained to paralyzing fear, overwhelming sadness and the loss of all motivation. I hope you never have to experience such confusion and pain. Just thinking If i wasnt such a coward, I know that I would have been dead by now. But also I have to keep pushing Im alive because I know it will affect people I love, and they dont deserve to be hurt by my selfishness. People are amazing, no doubt. But nobody is great enough to be the healer to a mental illness. Theres so much complexity to these mental illnesses. Its a constant war inside your mind and it doesnt end until your life does, and some of us cant wait for that to happen.
Posted on: Wed, 10 Dec 2014 05:16:35 +0000
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