He holds me.. As I erased the month of September off of our calendar with my son and watched him write in this new month I realized it had been two weeks since we lost our beautiful little baby, I was 13 weeks pregnant. Erasing this month was a pivotal moment for me, it wasnt as if all the pain was magically wiped away but in that moment I could say to myself that yes, I am still tired and weak right now but I know God is here, the great comforter, giving me strength. Hes holding me. Tears welled in my eyes but I also saw beauty in the midst of the pain I was feeling. All throughout this process I have seen beauty and grace and love. I tried to capture what my eyes and heart had been illuminated with that day: My amazing son learning and growing so fast, pumpkin muffins fresh out of the oven, the view from my window, the kids playing, nap time... The first couple days afterwards were the hardest, Im still up and down but its getting easier. I just remember asking Jesus to please hold me. I couldnt really ask for anything else. Just, please hold me, help me through this, I need your strength. I just remember wanting to be literally held by Him. I remember saying, God I NEED you to hold me. He completely has. Whats so amazing is that I know without a doubt Hes still holding me now, He always has been. I couldnt do this without Him. I had a wonderful friend check in with me and they told me they saw me crying in bed, curled up and Jesus was right there with me, holding me. His love is so amazing that He would share that with a friend to share with me. Sean and I decided to go to church the night after we lost the baby. I didnt want to be around people to be honest but I just wanted to stand in His presence during our worship service. My husband held me up while we worshipped God together. It was so hard for me to lift my hand; my heart hurt, my physical body was so weak, I felt completely weak in spirit but in that moment of total weakness strength came. I may not understand why this happened, I do not believe that God took this baby or anything like that, I do however know that God is good. I wanted to raise my hand to my Father, my Daddy because that truly is where my help comes from, Hes the only one. God spoke to me very clear while we were singing Closer by Bethel that goes, pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper, I wanna know your heart, I wanna know your heart. He spoke and said, you have my heart. As if I could break anymore that night.. I did and wept feeling His total love embrace me. I still was completely weak physically but I now understand what it means when it says His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I felt angels in our church that night, right above us. God spoke again and said all of heaven is roaring because of this moment. Totally undone again all I could mouth was thank you, thank you, I love You, You are good! What a beautiful gift this baby has been I know shes held in Heaven and I cant wait to meet her. The bible says, blessed are those that mourn for they shall be comforted. He is comforting me through this, He is holding me through this. Theres so much more I could share thats been so beautiful and amazing. I want to end with saying Hes ok with me being upset and sad over this. Not once have I felt that I need to hurry and cheer up and be thankful for what I do have. What I have experienced is His love and comfort and peace. There has been joy in the midst of the pain Im going through. I am thankful for all I have. I love God and trust Him. I love my children, I am thankful for them and I am blessed to have them all but it by no means diminishes the pain Ive felt or the hurt from the loss of this baby. Some days are good, some are harder but its getting better because Im allowing myself to process. I think we need to allow ourselves and each other to do the same. I realize I dont have to have it all together or always answer that Im good when asked, How are you? I dont always have to end a statement of hurt that Im going through with, but its ok because Gods on His throne, or any similar phrase. It does not make you a weak Christian or someone of less faith to be real in your emotion. Its ok to be a hot mess and do the ugly cry, its actually really healing. Im so thankful for Sean and others that have allowed me to process. Thank you for your prayers, for hugs, and thoughts. They mean so much and have helped more than you could know. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13
Posted on: Sun, 05 Oct 2014 06:03:20 +0000
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