Hello, I wanted to share my Vipassana experience .... I know its long but please bear with it .... :) NO ENEMY OR ANTAGONIST CAN HARM YOU AS MUCH AS YOUR OWN MIND WHEN IT IS DEFILED! She arrives promptly on registration day at 2pm as instructed in her acceptance email. There were nerves and an element of trepidation. Not fully understanding what Vipassana entailed and exactly what she had signed up for, she had applied a couple of months before, on intuition that the experience would be greatly beneficial. She knew of course that it was a meditation technique and that there was a rigorous schedule involved over a ten day period as well as many rules of which one was Noble Silence... This concerned her to a degree and had raised many incredulous laughs and good natured teasing from her family and friends. After all, she was a chatterbox, outgoing and social, gregarious by nature (according to her 9th grade English teacher and to which she had lived up to), however, her main concern was exactly what was going to be unearthed from the potentially painful depths of her mind, suppressed emotions and perhaps even memories. This is why, she realised, that subconciously she had, to date, found every excuse or distraction possible to avoid facing and fronting her past and therefore truly going within. Enough was enough. She had engrossed herself in the external diversions of dependencies that served to numb her in a self medicating fashion, relationships and associations with no depth that she knew were wrong for her, accumulation of material possessions and shallow experiences, an illusion of status and merit, immersion and adoption of other peoples problems to avoid acknowledging her own and the adornment of masks for it to all be obscured for far too long. She had placed herself in this situation purely and simply because the excuses and distractions would not be present in the retreat environment and most of all ... there was no escape when one has to sit in meditation for over 10 hours per day ... this was bound to reveal her personal truth, her core essence and purpose.... Wasnt it? Many others begin to arrive and she largely keeps to herself, lost in her own thoughts, until early evening when everyone congregates for a chat, light snack and the introductory talks and instructions. Approx 6pm they enter their first session and Noble Silence begins. Gulp! Here goes! Day one dawns with the gonging of the retreat bell, actually no, there was no dawn as yet, it was 4am! This was a time that she was once getting home on weekends from drunken nights out or sleeping soundly for a few more hours, not a time that perfectly rational people chose to start their day with - surely! The main bell proved to be quite pleasant she realised retrospectively as the next sounds to meet her ears was the incessant jingling of a hand held bell all around the dormitories, pausing at each door for what she feels, in her 4am sleep haze and grumbly mood, for longer than necessary. The thought crosses her mind that before the ten days were over there just might be a bell placed somewhere rather delicate on the unfortunate person whose duty it was to ring it. Bleary eyed and her mood only slightly improved she makes her way to the meditation hall by 4:30 where she notes that most others looks to be in the same state. The two hour morning sitting begins and soon she is fighting sleepiness and the urge to curl into a ball and snatch a couple more hours of rest. A combination of resounding snores and a cacophony of coughing and sniffling from some of the other 80 odd students and the not so gradual and not so subtle pain and numbness building within various parts of her body keep her awake, but barely. She endures those two hours and the remaining five sittings for the day in discomfort and a predominantly unfocused mindset, finding herself wishing with all her might that she hadnt let her yoga practice go by the wayside over the past few months. Ironically, she had done so to avoid more of the emotional upheaval and inevitable facing of the truth that she had experienced with her one month intensive course back in May. The evening discourse (on dvd) given by S N Goenka himself, acknowledges the difficulties encountered by students during the first day and a comment that alludes to an even more trying day to follow. Physically and mentally weary and with a sinking feeling she trudges off to bed and falls into a dream filled, restless sleep. She wakes and with no watch or phone to check the time, rolls over, praying over and over in her head that its not yet the dreaded 4am. She snuggles back into the warmth of the four woollen blankets on her bed only to hear donnggg donnggg donnggg almost immediately. She decides not to fight it today, although in no way bounding out of bed, she does start the day on a more positive note. The days sittings are a combination of sleepy nodding (almost snapping her neck at one point!), shifting position numerous times trying to find a way of sitting that doesnt place strain/pain/numbness on her back or legs, a multitude of emotions and tears, bouts of boredom and a dejected feeling that is building due to her propensity to want to talk or at least communicate by way of a look, a smile, a gesture (all of which are also forbidden), the damp cold, darkness, incessant mind chatter, random thought patterns and most of all her inability to go inside. She considers leaving, this is not for her, but quickly and firmly negates that temptation. The third day of observing breath (the first stage of the Vipassana process) of which the purpose is to assist in calming the mind and providing a mental state more conducive to serious work in deeper regions of the mind is met with more of the same, at least for the morning sessions. She likens her mind to the monkeys that she can hear outside, on the rooftops, in the trees, all over the grounds, playfully wreaking havoc, jumping, screeching and going about their day with the shortest of attention spans and a half crazed demeanour intent on nothing in particular. After lunch, a shift occurs. She has had enough! She gets very firm with herself and demands an attitude adjustment and progress of some kind! The ensuing exchange back and forth between two aspects of her mind, has her leaving the meditation hall to seek refuge in the fresh air and rare, filtered rays of sunlight that fight to penetrate the densely wooded, but beautiful and serene area. These two aspects are arguing, getting more and more vehement as time goes on. She likens them to darkness vs light, ego vs soul, good cop vs bad cop, the cartoon angel vs devil perched on either shoulder. As the intensity grows, the hot tears silently stream down her face, the knot of emotion and fear builds to great proportions around her heart. She barely registers that she is hugging herself and rocking back and forth like a patient in a mental institution as portrayed in countless hollywood movies. A third aspect speaks up, quietly but with great authority from time to time essentially adjudicating when the exchange turns irrelevant to the matter at hand or just downright nasty. It is at this stage that she has dire concerns that she has crossed an irreversible boundary into crazy! She again very seriously considers leaving, although decides against it as it would be dangerous to do so whilst questioning her very sanity. The ego, in frustration finally screams WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? and the soul responds in desperation YOUR CO-OPERATION! ... The higher self adds her valued and respected opinion and states This is not an unreasonable request .... Silence prevails and the pride-wounded ego slinks off, by this act, begrudgingly agreeing to do so. VICTORY! SURRENDER! She instantly feels a great weight lift from her body and mind and renewed with a fresh vigour she throws herself back into practice. Days four, five, six and seven, upon later reflection all meld together in her mind. The second stage of Vipassana commences, the observation of sensations within the body, the teachings linked to this and the subsequent mental recognition of impermanence. The days pass with peaks and troughs. The indignant, egotistical tirades of all the misery and injustices seemingly caused by others that she has had to endure in her past. The emotional roller coaster of reliving the pertinent elements of these old perceptions. The acknowledgement of the actual reality of these circumstances free from the impaired perception of them. The subsequent commencement of the eradication process of the defilements that were created and stored in the dark recesses of the so called unconscious level of the mind. These had been consistently emerging and skewing her perception of her current circumstances, causing her to project past impurities onto present and even imagined future events, relationships and occurences. She asked herself hard hitting questions and received hard hitting answers! She realises with full impact the senseless nature of this process that the mind defaults to based on our programmed and conditioned habits of craving, clinging and aversion. Effectively, her mind had been trying (and quite often succeeding!) to undermine her at every turn. Self destructive tendencies reigned supreme! The root issues of feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, betrayal, high expectations and reliance on others for love, value, happiness and fulfilment, self recrimination, lack of self love, forgiveness and acceptance, lack of self expression now transparently raise their ugly heads on days eight and nine. She concedes that these complexities are in fact not ugly but valuable insights into her constitution and with this recognition can be systematically yet lovingly and non judgementally eradicated. The ever present underlying emotions of anger, fear, guilt, regret, pride, jealousy, mistrust, suspicion and desire are byproducts and too can be surpassed, making way for pure love, compassion, kindness and positivity in all aspects of her life. She realises that she has been slowly making her way to these conclusions over the past few years of studious self-work and analysis, however, to date, she has succeeded on a surface level only due to not being equipped with the knowledge of how to penetrate the deeper levels of the mind. She again concedes, almost immediately that without having first completed the surface work, she would not have been prepared mentally or emotionally to deepen this journey and accepts that the timing of her yielding to this necessary process is as it should be. Physically, she feels as though she has been through a wringer, the teacher asking of all students in the group sessions to sit unmovingly in the same position for the entire hour irrespective of discomfort, both physical and mental. She finds that the majority of the aches and pains that she had have gone, with the main exception being her right hip. This is not surprising to her as she has known for a while that her many years of supressed emotions has manifested itself into a blockage of epic proportions in this area. In one instance, she practically tortures herself (this is not the teachers instruction to go this far, but a steely determination that exceeds the limits of sensibility) by pushing through a perplexing mixture of all consuming pain and numbness bordering on paralysis. This explodes into such a fiery heat spreading through her body that she strips off her woollen blanket and jacket to complete the sitting. In the meantime, half jokingly she calls on God, Jesus, Mary, Allah, Buddha, anyone!! to help her through it ... they do not come to her aid and she realises with no resentment that she has to deal with it on her own. This reinforces her newfound self-reliance. The result is bittersweet, as despite the physical difficulty, the reward is her having to leave the hall, practically hide behind one of the dormitories and allow great wracking sobs to overcome her, finally releasing the pent up emotions and inhibitions of old stored within her body. In the next sitting, she encounters another wave of emotion and tears, this time though, coming from a different angle. She is compelled to tell herself over and over that she is unconditionally loved, that she is worthy and valuable, that she forgives herself for both perceived and actual wrongdoings and that she accepts that she has always done the best that she can. Her heart swells and swells with the knowledge that she really means it this time, that its not just hollow words with good intentions anymore. She goes one step further and tells herself that she is stronger than she ever imagined, a true warrior and basks in these beautiful, heartfelt words that truly convey just how far she has come! Day ten inevitably arrives and all too soon. She laughingly notes that for the duration she was counting down the days and singing the Divinyls song in her head I must have been desperate, I must have been pretty low, GET ME OUTTA HERE quite frequently. Now, she is sad to leave, that its over, she worries for a short time that the spell will be broken when she leaves the haven of the retreat, but takes comfort in the fact that she what she has realised so far is irreversible and will continue her practice at home and will most definitely return for many more retreats in the years to come. The final meditations she feels a great sense of peace and clarity and finds her mind wandering again ... this time though she does not condemn it as her thoughts are focused on who in her circle of family and friends (any many others beyond!) will gain great benefit from this technique. She can think of many, but also acknowledges with a sigh and wry smile that she may not be able to adequately convey to them how valuable her experience has been and effectively convince them. As she thinks of each friend she can hear the to and fro of her arguments .... This is a very logical, scientific approach, it is non sectarian and does not condemn any religion or beliefs, it is based on the law of nature, it helps you to physically heal as well with major blockages in the body and psychosomatic diseases being eradicated throughout the process. Yes, it is intense, confronting and challenging but so, so worth it to finally face down your demons and live a life on the right path to full liberation of the vicious cycle our minds get ensnared in .... and the reprisals .... I have children and commitments and not everyone can have your life (a very forthright friend would indeed say this and has on many occasions), I have children and commitments (the rest is not said) however the connotation is there (or is it? This is just my perception), why on earth would you drag up the past, open up that can of worms etc .... In conclusion, she figured all she could do was share her deeply personal experience and if it happened to inspire anyone (the few that will read all the way to the end that is, as it did end up quite lengthy as the words just flowed and flowed) then she would feel doubly blessed!!
Posted on: Mon, 17 Nov 2014 03:28:41 +0000
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