Hello everyone! Hope you are well and settling into the new year nicely. We are going full steam ahead as usual and have had a few productive meeting already about exciting events happening this year :-) I have just had quite an emotional moment though and i know that many of you like to read these posts because i am always honest and open about these things. Tonight, out of the blue, Charley asked me to get Katys clothes down from the attic so she could wear them. She may as well have just smacked me right across the face for the impact that had on me. As always i just smiled and made no issue out of it. The truth is i have dreaded this day. Katy had so many lovely clothes that were all so fashionable and sparkly. I had shut them away days after she died. I never wanted to look at them again. Now though i had no choice. I actually couldnt justify saying no could i? I mean, how can i justify buying new clothes when there is a suitcase full upstairs? I got the case down and we started going through her clothes. As we lifted each item i could see a photo of her wearing them in my mind, usually in Florida. We laughed as we remembered her pose or recalled what we did that day. At times i just swallowed hard and put them straight into the drawer or wardrobe. Some of the clothes were bought for her when the steroids made her bigger. Some were Christmas presents she never got to wear. Some were old clothes worn again and again. Some were too small for Charley and way too big for Scarlet so they got put in the charity bag. Then i came across a particuar top of hers... It was a pink cardigan with litte silver stars on that she wore all the time. I smiled as i recalled various memories and i just held it and smelled it. Then i turned it over. There on the front were 3 badges. One was her Make a Wish badge from when we were loading the car to go to London for her wish (we never made it because she started fitting as we loaded the car). One was a I had a ride in a limosine badge (we organised for her and 10 friends to go through Blackpool lights in a limo the day after she was diagnosed. One was another star badge from her Radiotherapy. As i took in the smell and the memory and clearly saw the image of these days in my mind i just fell apart. Charley ran over and just clung to me and we cried together. There at that moment Charley and I seemed to be one. We both sobbed and hugged each other so tightly. She was holding me! That should have been the other way around right? For ages we seemed to just sit and hug and cry. Eventually i folded it up and said to Charley Please dont wear that one and we put it away again. Charley now has a wardrobe full of beautiful clothes that i will watch her wear now so i have to desensitise myself to it and see them for what they are - just clothes. This experience brought a few things home to me that i have struggled with lately. I seem to be moving forward with life and i never saw it coming. I have moved on in lots of areas of my life now and have had little signs of approval that have brought me comfort. I find myself enjoying life again and making new plans! I never thought i would get that back. This experience tonight taught me that it is ok to do that, to have a clearout and to start again. It made me realise that whatever i do Katy is always right beside me, she was showing me that tonight! I swear i could actually see Katys approving smile. Katy never saw the bad in anything and always only ever wanted her family to be happy. She would be so proud of the things we have done. Perhaps i am sensitive because her anniversary approaches soon. Maybe i have reached a natural level of progression. I dont know why this had to happen tonight but i do know that it happened at a time i needed it to happen. I really needed to know that it is ok to move forward at this moment in time and to experience happiness again. We have spent so long fighting back to help others - now it is time to help ourselves. So i just thought i would share this with you, for a few reasons really. For those of you who have lost someone close it might help you to know that you will smile again, laugh and even (dare i say) enjoy life again (if you choose to). For anyone who is moving forward in life after difficulties or sad times then know that it is ok to do so! The time is right when you feel it - not when someone tells you. So many of you worry about us because you have been on this journey with us from the beginning. This honesty will show you that we do still feel the pain very much but that we always somehow manage it and channel it appropriately. This was another challenge that we managed to overcome. Not the first. Not the last. Now im a little bit stronger though for the next one. Charley and i are now chilling out on the sofa and reflecting on our past, planning our future. Something magical happened tonight. We bonded in a way i didnt know possible. We reached a new emotional level and appreciated it. Katy smiled at me and i saw and felt it for the first time in 3 years :-) Have a lovely evening everyone xx
Posted on: Thu, 08 Jan 2015 21:24:32 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015