Hello my beautiful Michael, There is only numbness today and this is worse than the pain. Right now there is only you and me as I try to shut it all out. I am terrified of forgetting anything about you and I sat until very late last night going through pictures and videos and wishing I had more. The sun has been shining for days now and I know how much you loved to get outside and play your guitar on the hammock at the bottom of the garden. I often sit there and picture you next to me playing away on your acoustic. I could listen to it every second of every day, and as I reflect it was as calming as listening to a running stream. We understood each other and I miss having you to talk to and that need grows stronger as time passes. Its your 20th birthday in just over a week. Ive taken the day off as I know it is going to be unbelievably hard to face. I never got to see you get past your teens so this is a big one for you and for me now. I have bought you a surprise present and I will cherish it for you until we get the chance to meet again. I am still thinking about how to spend the day but we will be meeting at your bench so we can be together in a place which brings so many a lot of comfort. Im heading up there later today and we can have a talk then about what youd like for your birthday. Maybe you will give me a sign throughout the next week. You loved birthdays and family celebrations and Joan Carol, Dennis and Mike came yesterday because it was your Nans first anniversary. I hope you are together and I know you will be taking care of her. Every conversation always leads back to you because you have left the most enormous hole in so many lives. We all know you would have been there yesterday, guitar in hand and nothing is the same anymore and it never will be. I at least know what cake I will be baking, I think anybody could have baked you a cake because we all know what you loved. I still go into restaurants and often order what you would get for a meal. The dessert is easy if its on the menu - chocolate fudge cake but you would have it with custard :) You could eat like a horse and you never put an ounce of weight on, hollow legs I would call you and you certainly had the longest legs Ive ever seen so the food had a long way to go ;) This isnt right having to write down what I should be saying to you, none of this is right. It was a senseless way to die. You are so young and you loved life and had everything to live for. You miss out on so much and there are things you will never see or do that I watch like Im a stranger looking in to a weird and strange place. I just dont feel I belong here anymore but I have to stay because I have to be here for Joe and Liam and I have some things to finish off that cant be left such as the tyre campaign. I still cant believe an old tyre caused you to die, It is sickening. Its said that time makes it more manageable but I know deep inside that isnt the case for me. Ive accepted that somehow because Im your mum and I know that doesnt need any further explanation to you because we know the bond we had. Its still sunny outside but it is just another day as the light went out the day you died and no amount of sun or energy can turn it back on, not in my life anyway. We will catch up later on the bench I hope. I miss you desperately, love always, mum xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted on: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 12:08:35 +0000
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