Here is my essay about depression Depression Not very many people understand how extensively, painfully, life changing depression can be. A lot of people think depression is about being sad all of the time, but that’s not all it is. My experience with depression was a result of a sudden change in my environment, bullying, and being pulled out of school. While depressed some people self-hate, self-harm, but most of all feel extremely alone. My depression resulted in all three of these things. I steadily came out of my depression when I started high school. I made friends and became more social. I’m slipping and sliding through life, but I’m still here. Nearing the end of summer 2011, about to start my eighth grade year, I received the worst news of my life. My whole family was packing up and moving 1000 miles away to Arizona. I had to say good-bye to everything I had known my whole life. My best friend and I shook and sobbed as we said our last good-byes. Soon we were leaving the city limits, as I crumpled into the passenger seat of my grandmothers van was the first time I felt the sinking feeling of depression in my chest. After four days of driving we finally arrived in a dry, dusty, bare wasteland. Two days later I started 8th grade a month into the school year. No piercings, no dyed hair, no color added to bags or back packs, uniform had to be worn at all times, I instantly hated the school. It smelled of clean cut grass and everyone looked so clean cut and nice. It was all a façade. The girls spread vicious rumors about me. Not four months after I started school four girls were trying to get me to fight with them. I didn’t even know why! The principal called me the instigator and said he needed to remove the problem so he suspended me for three days. My mom was irate and immediately pulled me out of the school. Over the weekend she set me up for online school and my depression started to take a turn for the worse. I hated my mom for taking me out of school. I could fight my own battles, I didn’t want her help. I was secluded, angry, and hateful towards my whole family. I slept all day and stayed up all night long. My only hope for a tomorrow was my one year old baby cousin. He was the reason I even woke up, though I still fell deeper into depression. While I was depressed I started sleeping all day and waking only to eat, get online, do my school work, and go back to bed by seven in the morning. I tried to avoid human contact at all costs. Along with human contact, sun light was my worst enemy to the point where I could barely open my eyes when I went outside. Immediately after I was pulled from school I began to self-hate. I called myself names, told myself I would never succeed in anything, and I made myself feel extremely insecure. I depended on other people’s words to make me feel better, although they never did. Not very much later I began to self-harm, I felt constantly alone even when I was surrounded by people. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone, I trusted no one. I also entered a mentally abusive long distance relationship. We had an “open relationship” so we could date other people, but I never did. My “boyfriend” would flaunt other girls in front of me, he made me feel special, but I felt he only used me as a back-up plan. While depressed I also got angry at little things, I would snap, and I would yell at my little sister and my younger uncle all of the time. I felt so angry at everything, moving away from my home, school, and life. I felt suicidal; the thought crossed my mind at least once a night. I was alone in my room, I had the chance, but the thought of me not seeing my baby cousin, Isaiah, grow up made me feel ashamed and sick. He is my safe place in my mind. He was the only person I could look at and talk to that didn’t make me feel angry, he even made me smile through my tears when no one else could. My mom mad me start going to see a counselor, at first I didn’t say anything, I wouldn’t open up because I was afraid to talk in front of my mom, but the counselor always wanted my mom there. I slowly started talking about the things that made me angry, the things my mom did to make me feel worthless and stupid. My mom slowly changed and became slightly nicer. Five short months later I graduated from counseling. I didn’t feel I was ready to, but the professional thought I was so why not, right? I still felt alone constantly, but we were moving to Peoria and before I knew it high school had arrived on my door step, waiting to punch me in the gut. My depression was fading. As I started high school I stayed secluded, I seen everyone as mindless and dull minded, I hated everyone without even knowing them. One girl began to talk to me and soon I was sitting with her friends at lunch. I ended the relationship with my long distance boyfriend and initiated friendships and promptly had a new boyfriend shortly after. I guess I didn’t like feeling alone and needed a boyfriend to fill the empty space. Rumors were spread about us, but I refused to care. I consistently felt sad despite the many friends I had made. My best friend, Elvia that I had left behind when I moved, talked to me a lot though and she made me feel happy; knowing she was happy and living made my heart smile. We video-chatted, talked on the phone, and wrote a few letters here and there. Depression had its claws tight around my heart and soul, but she helped me the most to rip free. It still has a firm hold on me, I slip in and out of sadness, anger, and hate, but I am so much better thanks to Elvia. I have trouble concentrating sometimes and I lose focus in what I’m doing so quickly, I feel ready to give up every day, but for her and Isaiah I push through and stand tall. Depression was the hardest fight of my life, so far that is, anyone who goes through it and survives the suicidal thoughts, the anger, hate, and sadness is a true warrior in my eyes. I would say I am as normal as can be for a hormonal teenager in high school, I’m almost normal, so near to the end of my fight with depression. I can feel it and I will survive the scars on my arms prove it. A lot of society says that people self-harm for attention, some people do, but the ones who hide it are the ones who need help. We are labeled as “emo” and “freak” but many of us suffer from depression. I am a survivor of the war in my mind called depression. I went through sudden massive changes in my life, self-hate, self-harm, and feeling abandoned, alone. I know there are many people who suffer from worse circumstances, but everyone is built with a certain amount of pressure they can take before they reach their breaking point. I draw near to the end of my depression with the help of my closest friends and family members. I fall in and out of pain, sorrow, and regret with a smile on my face. Depression is a war that can be won by anybody who wants it to be over. I’m still here, fighting, most of all winning the battle and I plan to keep on living for as long as possible no matter how hard the impact of life is. My battle scars keep my motivated, depression will lose.
Posted on: Sat, 07 Sep 2013 07:10:32 +0000
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