Here is my post saying goodbye to 2014. I can without a doubt say this has been the most difficult year in my life and for those who have known me awhile can attest to that that is saying quite a bit. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. During the past year I have had so many people point out how strong I am. I am amazed by this because inside I dont feel strong. I felt beat down and lost. And there were countless times I wanted to give up. I saw no hope and no future. My life revolved around my family so what was the point was all i could think. I am grateful to the countless people, my daughter included, who didnt let me give up. They showed me empathy, kindness, support and most of all love-when I felt truly unloveable and unwanted. I will be forever grateful. When I look at the year and break it down I see that : I experienced betrayal from people i put enormous trust and faith in I lost people I loved with all my heart and soul I learned what I see and feel may not be what is true I learned I cannot control anyone or anything- not even my own emotions. And I learned to let go when all I really wanted to do was hold on for dear life I left family and friends in a town I had lived for over 20 years I left a great state job where I felt I had a second family I packed up 26 years of memories into the largest pod they make I took apart a house that I know I did the best I could to make a home for people I loved and cared for I moved my daughter from the only place she had ever known in the hope of helping her heal more than myself even Threw caution to the wind and moved approximately 1300 miles to a town I had never even visited before & Put myself in the hands of a few good friends nearby to steer me through the process of settling in a foreign place Traded in my AWD family car in for a small sporty one (dont need AWD with no snow lol) Found a new wonderful challenging job Making new friends and job acquaintances Closed bank accounts and opened new ones I very simply started over. Utterly and completely over. And when this all began I was so unsure and scared and it all seemed so surreal. 46 and on my own. Hardly seems worth all the work getting a life all organized only to end up having to do it all again. And to be honest I will always ask why. And there will always be tough days. They are getting fewer and more far between but they still creep up on dani and I. . But I finally realized why people say I am strong. I may have thought about giving up and wanted to more times than I care to admit. I still sometimes wake up wondering what I am going to do about it all. But I didnt give up and I wont give up. And I am extremely proud of myself for that. I am slowly gaining my independence and confidence back and learning what I like and want. I am proud that I am moving forward and providing well for Dani and I. We have a nice apartment, jobs, friends, food and clothing and most of all each other. I am not happy with how things fell apart because I truly thought I had what everyone always strives for. But I obviously didnt and I am learning to accept that as well as open myself to see what can happen now. 2015 will hold more challenges I am sure but I have overcome things I never imagined in my wildest dreams. So bring it on. I am strong. I see that now. Happy new year. Friends-new and old and family. I love u all. Thanks for helping me up when I fell down. And pushing me forward even now. You will never know the gratitude and appreciation. But it is here in me -everyday. Heres to a new year, new life, new possibilities and learning to be just a little selfish. New concept but I think I wanna try it. Probably wont be very good at it haha ;)
Posted on: Wed, 31 Dec 2014 22:10:43 +0000
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